2015 Review

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Look at me! Only talking about my new year resolutions towards the end of January.

I haven’t had much time to myself, really. I blame it on myself being too much of a bloody workaholic and choosing to work instead of rest. Unfortunately life is still as it is since September, with me still working part time and keeping it from majority of my friends. It was only untill recently when my church friends dropped in for dessert at the restaurant and asked me when I had planned for my new year that got me thinking.

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And I’ve been thinking about it during my little breaks over at my long table with no Internet connection and on the bus where I count the MRT stations go by till I finally reach my destination.

And honestly, I have absolutely nothing planned for this year.

A general direction, yes. Basically I aim to not fuck up too badly within the year. I try not to ruin lives and/or relapse into another lengthy depressive phase. More secondary to that, I try to be happy. To do things I want to do if I allow myself to. From the littlest things like changing the music on my player and buying nanoblocks, to travelling overseas and sleeping on comfy queen sized beds to the pitter patter of rain outside.

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2015 had been another whirlwind of monotony with sharp dibs into pitfuls of trigger-traumatic dreams. I who had dedicated most of her life to being a wallflower had somehow been pulled into drama at work and online. I who had spent most of her conscious life not feeling jack shit was forced to give a fuck.

These situations that the year had put me in had opened my eyes to how truly broken I always have been, so much that it has become glaring to my ownself. Never had I ever blanked out so many times, waiting for an emotion to help me rationalise things in a more humane way, only to have nothing come up.

Constantly I argued with myself that this was the consequences of fatigue and forcefully taking myself out of my comfort zone and that I had to press on to get stronger. But this is exactly why I am never at peace with myself. Because I can feel my body giving way but I refuse to stop because I have so many expections for myseld. I suspect that I have been lying to myself so often to get the results I want, so much so that I do not know where the grey line between being okay and suicidal is anymore.

Often, I find myself crumbling inside. Amongst pointless routine greetings and empty conversations. Maybe I’m finally breaking, or I’ve started tearing myself apart inside unconsciously as my longing for the hospital bed and thick hollowed needles build over the time I spend in my loneliness.

So there 2015 is in a nutshell. Pretty depressing in my opinion. But at least I have learnt a few things about myself. Like how rest is really important and that I am not a machine and even I am I were, I can still break down as well.

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This 2016 I’ve decided not to plan anything, it never goes my way anyway. I just hope that I will be able to find the strength to remind myself that it’s okay not to always be happy but I shouldn’t always be okay not being okay.

It seems like my rest year is up though, and 2016 is going t be another challenging year for my family and I. Nonetheless, I hope we push through another in one piece or at least just a few.

Cheers to a new year.

X

Carnations

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I woke up feeling like death today. I woke up with a clawing urge to text you and ask you how you’ve been; if you’ve been doing good, hoping you would ask me if I have been too.

I woke up feeling like death today. I woke up knowing exactly what would make me feel better. It wasn’t my work, friends or money in my bank. It was the familiarity and understanding that was what I craved like a stoner to a joint;

A sad, heart wrenching ebb of warmth from leftover distant memory.

If only I knew

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I wish giving my heart away was as easy as holding it out in the palm of my hand towards him,
Broken but bleeding.

I wish taking it back was as simple as sweeping it’s shards back into my chest.

But we don’t give our hearts away like that.

Our hearts are broken as it is when we first recieve it and we give it away one piece at a time.

We give it away day by day when he smiles at us.
We give a small piece each time we think of him,
A large chunk when he as much as touches us.

I wish I knew that was how I’d lose my heart sooner, I wouldn’t be up at night wondering why I feel so empty otherwise; waiting for my aching heart to crawl back into my chest.

Gun Moddling

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Howdy! I’m up and back with my extremely delayed posts but as I always remind, what matters is that I still bother to do it.

Of course, needing to make excuses to you guys and making you feel bad turns me out to be complete trash but… meh.

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Moving on to the actual reason as to why I didn’t post these pictures.

They were for a competition entry to model the gun I’m holding. Of course, the pictures have to be original and not visible anywhere on the web so I was not allowed to post them up till the results were out.

That being said, results were out at least two weeks ago so that makes me… extremely late on posting a very honest person with extremely high integrity.

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I woke up extremely early for this shoot, mainly because the photographer wanted natural lighting and because I was heading into Malaysia later in the day.

I didn’t plan this shoot out very well and forgot to comb out my wig the day before. If I remember correctly, I forgot a hairnet as well so (either that or I was too lazy to put it on) I spent majority of the shoot tirelessly adjusting my wig to make sure my black hair wasn’t poking out from behind my ears.

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I like this photo for reasons.

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Here’s picture of Dom and I, both extremely worn out. Me from work and him from school.

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I do have to thank him for taking all the above pictures for me. I really wanted the pictures for my cosplay-gram (@elmeleanor follow me! LOL.) so that I could post a few pictures up over time.

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And of course, cleavage photos were a must because it would be a utter waste to wear one so tight and not appreciate one’s boobs, cmon.

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I finished after about an hour and took a long and immensely boring train ride (I don’t like MRTs very much) to Woodlands to do my nails and eat.

One thing I should probably take with me in life is that I should never under any circumstance wear a corset for the entire day because it would kill my back.

After Malaysia, I went back to work to help out and I thought my spine and ribs were going to dislodge themselves from my body and run away from me.

Always bring a change of clothes. Always. It was such a shame as well because the garment prevented me from eating much in Malaysia as well ):

Oh well. We win some, we lose some.

Goodnight!
X

Midnight Card Stacking

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Here’s an extremely short post that I’m extremely excited to share mainly because I’m so very proud of myself.

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I mean, okay it’s a really ugly uneven mountain of cards but I took flipping half an hour and several skipped heartbeats to get this high, okay!

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Like look at how my cards defy gravity. This is failed architecture at its best.

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I was super excited to tell my friends about it, obviously, that’s why I’m posting the pictures here first instead of all the other pictures I should upload first.

Also, I think this is a pretty good angle to take picture of my little stack because it slants the other way HAHA.

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Good thing this was the last thing I did today because it was my day maker. Probably my only victory today, I did wake up feeling like absolute rubbish after all.

Off to share the joy on Instagram!

X