Topic: Decent Asshole

Let me start this post with declaring how shamelessly pampered and blessed I am by all my friends and sometimes their friends outside my family. Most of the time I feel really bad about receiving everything and I can’t help feeling more broke when I can’t give them stuff back but sometimes I like to feel popular to a certain extent.

image

The week has been a peculiar one, besides the continous flags for Japan, Tokyo, it seems that Christmas had come early this year for me.

Since I do pretty much nothing at all but blog from the cafe, I didn’t really think I’d  deserve the amount of love I received at the cafe over the past week.

Let me get into the details real quick.

Chef’s girlfriend came back from Tokyo a few days ago and bought Tokyo bananas in three flavours for me to try. This being someone I don’t text at all, let alone hang out with, actually remembering my existence when she’s out in Spring, Japan.

Wow. I don’t know what I did to deserve such good will. Chef said she gave me my souvenir before she gave him his like woah, I don’t remember downloading a social bot hack into my life recently.

image

A few days later, an extremely new part-timer brought authentic Kinder Joys to work to share. Mind you, she only had three and ate one so that pretty much makes me top 2? /hairflip

image

image

And I say authentic because the ones in Singapore are the lazy-man’s version, or so I call it. All you have to do is split it down the middle and the toy is in one half while the chocolate is in the other. There’s no more peel back aluminium foils, just plastic halves. So environmentally unfriendly.

Not to mention how they recently started gender segregating the eggs by pink and blue hues on the top of the eggs as if the blue ones would contain pencil-dick sized condoms while the pink ones get miniature dildos.

I mean come on guys, really?

Minuature dildos aside, another part timer bought me carrot cake for lunch just because I said I felt like eating it a whole week back. He even got me my favourite chilli for it! He took the wrong packet on accident, not because he noticed I liked it or anything.

He got himself a subway instead, which meant he purposely bought the carrot cake for me not because it was convenient??? I’m not trying to say he likes me or anything (he has a super hot girlfriend for pete’s sake), it’s just that I notice the little things and it really means alot to me because it’s so sweet of him. I almost cried, except my tear ducts don’t work the right way anymorw.

Plus, friends who buy you food are friends for life.

Of course, I can also say that life was simply bubble wrapping be abit for a horrible sales week/month because I proceeded to get so stressed and sick over it, my eyes started sweating. But hey, count your blessings, y’know?
image
The following week, my neighbour came by with these gorgeous beauties for my rare before-work tea times.
image
And when I got to work, a part timer gave me a chocolate banana muffin she made to try and wuuuuuu it was really good. 😍

I’m so happy I feel tingly, guys.
Back to the post title.

image

What exactly is a ‘decent asshole’?

From my definition, it’s simply someone who acts however the fuck they want regardless of societal views, building their own unique set of morals and opinions to ultimately form an actual, living and thinking/limited edition/rare/1 in 7billion human being.

When I say build, I do mean a personal profile of likes, dislikes and possibly conflicting opinions that may exist within the same state of mind or associated context and are non conforming to social norms.

For example:

-I’m Christian but that doesn’t mean I’m homophobic/anti-gay/pro-family, as most of my Christian sisters and brother’s from another mother would expect me to be.

-I believe that rape in any literal sense is really bad and should never be done but there’s a huge fandom for rapeplay on Tumblr that I go through weekly just to keep myself updated. But that doesn’t mean I want to get raped like people expect me to want to. Those people are the most insane.

-I like watching videos of autopsies and would probably cannibalise in desperate times but that doesn’t mean I’d go out and kill people just to eat them.

I could make a flow chart for these things but the point is that there are many routes to take when you stand for or against something. Sometimes when it comes to supporting something, there are many controversial ways of doing so as well. 
When you do, there will be people with or against you. It is inevitae that at one point of time, someone would have called you an asshole. In their head or no. But rejoice because that means you’re winning.
Anywho, the possiblities are endless and things can get really messed up along the way (this is probably how psychopaths are cultivated) but what matters most is that we still follow a common moral code just like anyone.

-I wouldn’t deliberately hurt someone.
-I wouldn’t lie just to get myself out of trouble I caused.
-I wouldn’t manipulate people even when I’m almost always in the perfect position to.
-I believe in love and happiness and many times I hate the obscene amount of rage I have for certain matters.

Or maybe just be a decent human being. Because you can still be decent and an asshole. Why? Because being decent helps you not get sued/murdered/imprisoned while being an asshole is just a matter of having your own unique views and stands in an environment that is likely passive aggressive (that’s how you don’t get yourself killed or shot).

Basically, a decent asshole is someone who does really dumbass stuff to others, but with a reason justifiable to himself.

[Person: Why did you throw that water balloon at that kid. If you hit him on the head he may not have made it to Harvard.

Asshole: But did he die? ]

From the situation above, said asshole is a decent asshole. Why?

Asshole move: Snarky remark, water balloon.
Decent move: Didn’t aim to hurt. Probably doing it for fun.

TLDR, being an asshole is a consequence of going against someone else’s views and opinions. It happens all the time whether you want it to or not, so might as well stand for something. No point casting a voided vote. There will be people out there who understand why you do things your way and when they do, they make the best friends ever.

It’s okay to be an asshole, just be a decent one like me because we get huge amounts of love by just being ourselves, see?

X

Proof – Paramore

It’s really hard,
I can’t cry in your arms
‘Cause you’re not here
It’s not your fault
And if it was I wouldn’t care.

My heart is bigger
Than the distance
In-between us.
I know it ‘cause I
Feel it beating.

So strong it’ll knock you down
So strong, so strong.

Over here,
I can’t count the miles away,
From where I wanna be.
I bet your skin is warm
And that you’re smiling.

Yeah, that’s what I always
Loved the most about you.

You’re so strong
Come and knock me down, hey.

Baby, if I’m half the man I say I am
(Whoa-oh-oh), if I’m a woman with no fear
Just like I claim I am, (whoa-oh-oh).
Then I believe in what you say
There’s nothing left for you to do
The only proof that I need is you.

I’ll get in my car
Drive it faster than I
Ever did before.
Head out west until I finally
Reach the shore.

And then I’ll swim out
To wherever you are
And we’ll ride the undercurrent
Down to the floor.

Making friends with all
The unfamiliar creatures
And pushing back
All the unnecessary pressure.
Come up for air just so you
Know we won’t drown.

You’re so strong
The world can’t keep us down, hey!

Baby, if I’m half the man I say I am
(Whoa-oh-oh), if I’m a woman with no fear
Just like I claim I am, (whoa-oh-oh).
Then I believe in what you say
There’s nothing left for you to do
The only proof that I need is you.

Yeah, ooh, yeah, hey
Yeah, ooh, yeah, hey.

So do you love me? (Yeah)
All you gotta do is say yes.
Now do you love me? (Yeah, hey)
And I won’t ever second guess.

Now do you love me? (Yeah)
All you gotta do is say yes.
Now do you love me? (Yeah, hey)
Then you already proved it.

Yeah, yeah, hey.

Baby, if I’m half the man I say I am
(Whoa-oh-oh), if I’m a woman with no fear
Just like I claim I am, (whoa-oh-oh).
Then I believe in what you say
There’s nothing left for you to do
The only proof that I need is.

Baby, if I’m half the man I say I am
(Whoa-oh-oh), if I’m a woman with no fear
Just like I claim I am, (whoa-oh-oh).
Then I believe in what you say
There’s nothing left for you to do
The only proof that I need is you.

Why did I do that?

image

Howdy! How is life? I don’t know, I don’t exactly have one anymore!

So comes my opening title as stated above. Since my life consists of traveling to and fro the cafe and home, you can count that I try very hard to make my life more interesting.

Be it accepting candy from a stranger or possibly making a penpal out of a random dude on Instagram, I’d do it.

So what really bad decisions have I been making these few days? Tons actually, but I’ll knock them down to a couple because both incidents happened on the same day.
In fact I thought I was so unlucky, I bought a lottery ticket. I didn’t win though, maybe I should buy another when I get hit by a car or something.

WHY DID I DO THAT? #1
Next Sunday is Father’s day (I think) and my family decided to go out for dinner last Saturday (a week before) since I had an early day then. Before anyone points out, no, I still can’t take dinner.

What I agreed to was perhaps even more ridiculous, a buffet dinner. I guess it was sort of nice that it was an ala carte buffet -something new.
image
image
image
image
image
image
The food wasn’t bad. In fact, it would have probably tasted great if I actually had the stomach for it. I do remember complimenting the freshness of the swordfish sashimi at one point.

Yeap, I had a sashimi buffet with pretty decent sashimi and the only dish I ordered twice was the teapot soup. But the teapot soup was good. Really, really good. Or maybe I’m just trying to make myself feel better.

WHY DID I DO THAT? #2
In a desperate attempt to spice up my life, I agreed to go to a foam party with Dom and his girlfriend at Sento-anislandbyitself-sa.

Why is it bad though? Because I work a 6 day week and I would have either just come from work, have work the next day or have to burn an off day to party. For me, I only had an early day on Saturday and Wednesdays are my usual off days so you do the math. Not to mention, I took my next Saturday off because of CharaExpo2015 that I would be cosplaying for so I would technically be working 7 days straight without rest and fresh out of a night of sleep deprived partying. Ah, it’s great to be young, eh?

Anyway I figured it’d be fun, since Dom is probably my only chinese platonic guy friend I’d want partying with me when I’m on a significant amount of alcohol and in a devastating lack of clothing. I was even excited at a certain point.
image
Since the dinner before was planned after I agreed to go for this party, I had to cab down to Sentosa if not I wouldn’t make it in time for the guestlist.
image
image
image
The early party of the night went bearably well, no one approached our group or attempted to get into fights despite our prominent resting bitch faces.

Although I was slightly ticked off by how one of my other friends that I wasn’t close to decided to crash in and tag along the entire night on. He said he had friends in the area but he never went to look for them!!! If it were me, I would have looked for them even for a little hi and by. But he didn’t, even when I told him that maybe he should hint and proceeded to cling to my other guy friend I met there hinthint. I even tried accompanying him, asking him where his friends were HINTHINTHINT.

I failed at ditching him, obviously, since he was still in the cab with me when I got home. *rolls eyes*

Please don’t get me wrong though, he had been nothing but nice to my friends and I while we were out together. From getting us get cups when we were pre drinking outside, to scouting out the storage area while we were queuing. But in the end, I was under the impression that he was already out with his group of friends (that’s why he was there earlier, right?) and that my group wasn’t open to have another person come in. I wasn’t socially prepared to play host to a number five and oh how I hate surprises. Screws with all my plans.

I know I’m coming off as quite the ungrateful bitch but you see, two is a couple, three is a crowd, four is a party. I really didn’t need a fifth to host. Because that’s what I do with people I don’t know well. I put on a mask and play nice. Play host. Not tell them to fuck off because I’d like to spend some quality time with people I actually want to spend time with.

So the night gradually grew to become extremely tiring, from pre drinks where I had to make sure he wasn’t feeling left out in anyway (because that would make everyone very awkward when people realize they forgot about him) by constantly offering him drinks from my cup like he was some sort of date I was bringing out to meet friends for the first time (I’m really sensitive to these kinds of things) to the dancefloor where I was constantly looking if he had lost us in the crowd (oh how I wish I did) because his belongings were in Dom’s girlfriend’s, Vivi’s bag. I felt bad that she had to be the one carrying everything. She had the bottle of Jager as well as everyone’s valuables in her tiny sling bag, my shoulders hurt just thinking about it.

In my extremely high state, I had half the mind to tell him to just go away but somehow the passive aggressiveness in me won and I simply sulked everytime I saw him anywhere near me. But like I’d said, I was determined to have a good time so I stole Vivi from Dom and danced with her majority of the night. Sorry Dom.

WHY DID I DO THAT? #BONUS
Just when you think things couldn’t get any worst, the alcohol hit me while I was in the shallow pool and I kind of blanked out. Vivi tried to steady me but I sort of took her with me, rolling us both out of the pool. In the spirit of the SEA Games, a gold medal for Cherie, please.

But I wish I was that lucky. I figured that someone else tried to steady me but ended up pulling at the strings of my bikini bottoms, unraveling it. The thought itself is so nightmarish, I definitely had to be high on something to actually manage processing it so calmly. I do vaguely remember thinking to myself ‘This is a nightmare.‘, to which a small voice in my head whispered ‘This is exactly why we don’t party‘.

My guy friend asked if I wanted him to tie it for me, something I violently rejected. I don’t even like people touching me when I’m sober.

It’s a good thing Vivi acted quickly and tied it into a dead knot before I could actually register what was going on and my honor/decency was restored. Not my bikini though.

The next day, life decided to throw me a bone and gave me a good latte day at work.

image

image

image

It feels really good to be back to coffee though my days are slow and boring. It kinda pisses be off that my life is either really boring or honor-threatening. Why can’t I have a normal life?

Like those slice-of-life shoujo manga ones.
That and a side of fries please.

Cherie

Bleak abyss

image

Hello from the cafe. As you can tell, I’m extremely tired. So tired, I’m unable to self entertain.

Like the title says, life has been rather bleak. It’s not as if alot of bad things are happening, no. More like nothing is.

Nothing happens in the shop, nothing happens in my life -I don’t even want to talk about my love life. I’m just too damn conflicted in that area.

image

I guess I’m pretty much burned out. I haven’t had much time to sit down by myself and think about what I’m doing. I try to do so in the cafe but I’m too afraid of going screensaver in front of my bosses and bar crew.

Life conflictions wise, I feel like I’m back in 2014 where nothing is happening. I’m just here (in the cafe), doing absolutely nothing working, waiting for my life to pass me by. It feels fucking unproductive and it’s killing me.

I honestly feel like I’m wasting my time but I can’t think of anything else to do. No other job feels right for me, which probably means I’m finally in the right place at the right time. I have no conflicting love interests (although I often miss Ren, but whatever) so emotionally I think I’m pretty stable. Logically put, I’m perfectly fine. I’m living exactly how I want to; my fate is my own

So why do I still feel so bloody restless and uncontented?

Is it because my cafe repeats the same flipping playlist of 198 songs twice a day?

Is it because I’m not drinking enough coffee? Am I drinking too much coffee?

Do I want to go to University? Like deep deep deep deep deep down.

Do I need to get laid or something?

image

Don’t get me wrong, I’m having the greatest time ever in the cafe. My Bosses are great. I get along with all my part timers. I’m saving so much money by eating at the cafe all the time.

But why am I still so sad?

Perhaps it is because I had that one thought at 3am where I managed to convince myself that life after school or life in general, has been doomed to eternal monotony.

This is especially so since I never really saw a bright future for myself from high school and up. My life hasn’t exactly been pleasant you see, the only ‘magic’ being things that I can’t seem to explain or understand. So yes, math was pretty damn magical. Chinese too.

Back to the point, I always thought I was brought into the world to simply exist. Life was/is rather black and white for me. Whatever my family wanted from me, I did. If there were problems for me at home, I fixed it. If I needed to fix myself, I did. Many times. Life was yes or no, right or wrong.

But now things are relatively quiet. I feel like I’m not needed. I feel like I’m just… there. I earn my own money, I contribute to the house, I help with the expenses. Slowly, I have come to realize that all the years of me thinking I had been a great use to my family, I had only been a tool.

An outlet for my mother. A filial daughter to my father. A sister, an aunt, a companion, a message board for all secrets and whatnot.

But again I say, life has been quiet. By a miraculous turn of events, everything is fine. I no longer hear the woes of my mother while my niece keeps the house lively. My family is going through a golden age, everything is well, there is nothing to be fixed. My service is over. I now exist as I am and it appears that I have –

No one.

I try so hard to pave my own path. I grovel and claw my way through dirt and hardship, planning my future like I have one. Fake it till you make it.
Practically, it’s fantastic to know that I have a direction in life. That optimistically enough, I can finally stir my own life in the direction I want.

But my lifeship is empty and many times, I feel like I have no enough energy to steer the wheel; no choice but to drop anchor than risk drifting off course.

So here I am, staring into this cursed horizon of mine. So vast, so endless, so… bleak. I’m lucky enough it doesn’t echo on and on about how lonely I truly am.

image

I’m stuck in the locomotion of monotony. An endless cycle of working myself to the bone day after day in hopes of climbing to the next tier, only to repeat the same thing. The grind is grueling and the mere thought of it fills me with dread. Is this really the life everyone grows to have?

Or has my ship already been steered wrong by the stagnant compass I call my heart.

Soulmates


We couldn’t cope.

Because I only saw the good he did for me, ignored the bad and felt only happiness.
While he’d only remembered my tears; of which I remember naught, took the weight on his shoulders and crumbled.

We didn’t last.

Because till this day, I am tormented by feelings I cannot explain due to my carelessness.
While he, saddled with his own distraught, had chosen to disappear from everything we had.