Pardon this long overdue post. I can’t concentrate on writing when I’m not somewhere quiet and there’s been a lot going on in my head recently.
Let’s get a move on.
This is pretty sudden but… I’m going to Perth next break!
That’s right. I’m going to be sitting on a plane, shopping, finally leaving the continent, seriously freeze my ass off, getting lost without anyone judging me and spending whole lot of time with my best friends!
There’s just one problem.
One of us can’t make it.
This sucks big time because all of us have our own unique way of making each other laugh and have a good time. If one of us are missing, it just won’t be the same anymore! Inside jokes won’t be as funny and we’ll probably end up missing the last one instead of having the time of our lives. I know many people don’t think much of Australia (
Truly Asia -thatsthewrongslogan) but paired with close friends, the dosage of fun we have would be lethal.
Before I start anything, I’d like to say this.
This entry is going to be an extremely one-sided entry, so sue me.
I had to talk to my dad about this (duh) so I pretty much know what he’s worried about when I go overseas without him or my mother.
The works. Getting robbed, getting raped, being kidnapped and being cheated. Did I miss anything else?
Firstly, no country is without crime. It’s just how high or low it’s rate is. I am happy as I am relieved to say that the crime rate in Perth is relatively low. It’s not as good as Singapore’s though, where you can simply go out to
jalan have a walk at 3am and expect not to be robbed, slashed or abducted. Besides, all shops close at 5pm so there would be virtually nothing to do after that timing. Sure, we could go for a walk. But how long can we possibly walk for and how far?
As for being kidnapped, we’ll be in a pretty big group so if anyone grabs one of us, they’re going to have to take all of us and I doing think any one can snag 6 kids off the side walk without making a scene. Even if they try to, rest assured, we won’t be walking near the sidewalk. Mainly because I don’t feel like wondering how good drivers are in Perth (you know, in case they decide to lose control of their steering wheel randomly and take a few of us down. You never know.) Not taking chances there, I’ll walk on the grass if I have to.
Knowing my friends well enough, we’d rather huddle up somewhere (like a house) and keep warm. It’s going to be cold. That’s a given. But hey, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. There’s another safety net though. This leads us to my next point.
We aren’t going to be going wild in Australia. Heck, my idea of going wild is dancing alone in the study with my stereos blasting. I’m serious.
Anyway, we would be under the supervision of my friend’s father and wife. That’s two adults right there!
Buy one get one free! I trust they aren’t about to let us go partying at night and get ourselves wasted, so there you have it. We probably will have curfew to get home and if we don’t, like what I stated in my earlier point, there isn’t going to be much we can do after 5pm anyway.
If anyone is wondering, I’m not that fond of drinking and neither are any of the girls. Sure, I’ve tasted but I don’t have a drinking problem. A lot of parent these days should be more appreciative that their children don’t have drinking problems. Just saying.
Talking about curfews, this brings me to my next point.
Food and lodging.
The main reason why this trip is so tempting is because we don’t have to book a hotel.
We have free lodging.
All the cheap-o Singaporean say ‘What?!’
That’s right. A house with good security at night and parental guidance. You can’t get that anywhere but here and now.
No need to worry about your kid not locking the door at night and being kidnapped because of it!
No need to worry about your kid whoring herself out while you aren’t looking!
Free wifi so you get to webcam your kid everyday you don’t see her physically!
Burglars? They even have a dog for that.
Why wait? This is the best deal you can get in for your kid in the next few years!
As for the food, we’ll be having breakfast with my friend’s family but eating out for lunch. Dinner would be at home though.
Oh c’mon. You thought you’d had free food too? You’ll have to spend your money on some of the relevant stuff you know.
But it’s still a pretty good deal. *nods in agreement*
I can only hope that this trip that we’ve all been so excited in planning and talking about will come to pass.
I don’t think we’ll ever get a chance like this again,
When I hit level 50 in Dragon Nest, I want to be as pro as this bowmaster.
Like super cool only! Look at the cash set. Hoooooooly crap.
People always asked me what I wanted to do if I had a time machine and I told them that I wish I never had a reason to want one. The worst thing that could happen is when I have a reason to want one. If that makes any sense at all.
One of the biggest mistakes in my life was when I rejected him. I didn’t even know that I did. But once I found out, it was the very first thing on my ‘Things I had to if I had a time machine’ list. It was to go back and tell him.
‘Yes. You know what? I do like you better.’
I wish I could go back to that time and say that. Maybe I’d be happier now. Maybe I wouldn’t have to wait so long.
It was bad luck. But I kept waiting.
I wonder if that was another mistake? But I decided that good things came to people who waited. So I did.
A while later I asked again. Maybe that was another mistake.
I didn’t know how to react to what I myself did. I didn’t know how to handle the result. I thought it was a 50-50 thing but I got the hyphen. Each time it happened, I withdrew myself. I told myself I’ll close myself up because that’s what he’d want. But after awhile I found myself opening up to him again over and over.
I swore to myself I would never hurt him. But whatever I did, somehow I’d break his heart. Somehow I’d make him cry and worry. I felt like a bitch. I felt like the only thing I had ever done for him was to hurt him. I found myself a burden to him. But I still kept on waiting and clinging on to him. Call me a leech because that’s what I felt like. Leeching off his life force.
Sometimes I thought to myself. If I disappeared from his life, would he get enough sleep? He might even have better relationships with his friends because he gets to go out more often. He didn’t have to be at home with me; talking to me.
I probably got too pampered. Overlooked all the effort he put in just to see me. After a while I was spoilt rotten. I took the fact that he came online to find me as a right rather than a privilege. Horrible. I was a horrible girl. No where nice at all.
Often he asked me if I’d ever get bored of him. Or why I wasn’t already bored of him.
I told him I didn’t know. I never elaborated. Why? Was I going to go, ‘Because I love you dammit!’ each time he said something like that? I wish I did. Maybe it would have made a difference. But nothing changes the fact that I didn’t say it to him. So nothing happened. Nothing could have happened. Again, I don’t know if that was a mistake. Although it sure seemed like one to me.
But how sure was I that I loved him? A lot of people ask me.
I keep him in my prayers every night. I pray his stress levels would go down. Pray that the cold would not get him. And that hopefully, after all I have waited. That he’ll consider me again; give me a second chance. Maybe one day he’ll ask me again.
‘Would you be mine?’
Or something along those lines. I just wanted him as mine.
When I watched people get married. Pictures of them happy together. I think about maybe a future together. Being happy and doing retarded stuff together.
But friends is all we’ll ever be.
He’s made it painfully clear.
It’s something I’ll never understand at all. No matter how many times I re-read our conversations I don’t understand. I can’t comprehend this feeling he feels.
I’m going to lose him if I don’t wait and stay with him. If I go with someone else, I’ll lose him too. If I do none, then I’ll never have a happy love life. Ever. I lose either way. What a sick prank life would play on me.
No one knows me better than he does. No one has gone through as much as he has with me. He’s precious to me. A priceless treasure; a family heirloom. I can’t afford to lose him.
When he finally told me not to wait, everything was pretty clear to me and my gosh did it hurt like hell.
If not waiting made him happy. Then I won’t wait. I’ll be a good friend. I won’t be stubborn anymore. I’m tired. I can’t argue over something I can’t change.
Yet I can’t bring myself to give up.
Leave it to fate he says.
That’s the only way left. Only chance I have. But I’ll take it.
I’ll lie to myself. Tell myself that there’s still hope left. That something will change.
Maybe he’s right and there’s a
guy better than him out there. Although I can’t imagine that happening.
Why can everything finally straighten out?
I still love him,
Hey I’ve been gone for a while haven’t I?
Well over the time I’ve been gone I’ve been doing loads of thinking and I’m helluva confused.
Somewhere while I was thinking, I was enlightened.
I realized that one sided love will never work out.
Well that was fast, Cherie.
I didn’t even cry over it. Sure, I felt pretty empty after that realization but I also felt free. It’s a nice feeling actually. I could finally guard my own heart myself. I didn’t have to worry someone else would break it. My heart was mine again and I’m just so relieved. I really don’t feel like giving it away either.
But I need to ask everyone.
What if someone comes along, persistent and willing to wait? Someone who seems all too good to be true?
I don’t know who to trust- myself or someone else?
I don’t want to let go of this feeling of freedom either.
I don’t want people to tell me not to but I don’t want the beautiful lie either.
Practicality tells me that this isn’t going to work out when my heart tells me ‘why not?’
My heart says ‘just take a leap of faith. while my brain reminds me of everything I went through to feel free again.
This constant battle is holding me back a lot. I don’t know if it is good or bad.
Don’t know what to do with this situation of mine and this entry doesn’t make sense anymore.