Mission: Spinster

Inspired to bullshit.

To tell you the truth, I’ve never really woke up and gone.

‘Holy crap, it’s a beautiful day.’

No. Never. In fact, I wake up, feel like shit and check my phone. Maybe my friends left an interesting conversation on twitter. Maybe my favorite author on Wattpad updated. Most of the time, it’s the former but what the heck. Like any other beautiful afternoons that I wake up to, I see my brother-in-law waking my sister up. They’re happy. My elder sister walks into the room chatting with her boyfriend/soon to be husband. She’s happy. Both my sisters are attached, one married while the other is already planning. And what am I doing? I’m not allowed a relationship till I’m 19. I’m 18 this year, with no clue what a relationship is (that’s progress right there.), while both my sisters will be married. Married. Someone give me a huge-ass band-aid for my wounded womanly ego.

It gets worst. When I’m out of the house, I don’t feel pretty let alone beautiful at all. No one looks at me and if they do, it’s for all the wrong reasons. Once, a butch asked for my number. Really? Am I that bad? Sure! My dad tells me I’m beautiful. He’s my dad for Pete’s sake.

My friends come back to class, chatting about how they suspect a guy likes one of the girls in our clique. I laugh. Can’t blame them for being freaking gorgeous. I’m already past that stage to be brooding. Cause when you used to be fat, you have very little self confidence. Trust me. So it’s fairly easy to sink back down to that level of confidence even when I’m slimmer.

Slimmer does not mean prettier.

Lesson learnt there.

I’ve been thinking. Since no one wants me and no one other than my family will love me, I might as well prepare for my lifetime of loneliness.

The Cats:

Every lonely person needs cats. Because dogs are too much of a joy. Besides, only married couples with kids have dogs. I kid. I might as well stock up on karma by adopting from SPCA. My friends will be so proud of me. Don’t buy pets! Adopt them! Anyway, cats actually relieves stress and with less stress I have lesser wrinkles. At least I don’t become as unattractive as I already am right?! An animal with medical benefits. How cool is that?!

I’ll work at a pet store. Hell, I’ll open a pet store so I can get discounts on all the cat food and toys for my babies. All my cats will have one name that would probably change everyday since cats aren’t really bothered with what you call them. As long as you feed them, they don’t care. As for feeding, I know cats need to be fed early in the morning if not they would meow you awake. I’ll get up early and feed them. Maybe pick up the morning paper and do some groceries. By dinner, I’d probably be tired as f- and sleep early to wake early again the next day. Well look at that. A healthy lifestyle right there!

Furniture in my house? I’m not about to be a sadistic cunt and de-claw my kitties. I’m not going to have leather furniture. No way. Who needs them? They’re so expensive anyway! Might as well save me the cash so that I can spend more on my cats.

See! With cats, I already have half my life planned out. I know what job I’m going to have and how I’m going to lead my life. Healthily at that.

Social life:

Besides waking early and sleeping early, I need a social life too. From what I’ve learnt in life, you can either be a regular cat lady or a morbid cat lady. I choose the former. Even though I’m running away from cupid doesn’t mean I’m going to forsake my friends!

Since I’m pretty sure I’m straight, I’ll have a good circle of girl-friends. Clubbing? Of course I’ll go clubbing! Isn’t that what a normal singleton does? But I’m not looking for a guy. Nuh-uh. I’m looking for the ones that aren’t exactly straight. That’s right, I’m going for every girl’s fantasy friend. A gay-pal. Which girl can resist? A friend who physically qualifies as a guy and understand everything about you! It’s like having the best of both worlds; having your cake and eating it too.

Well that’s social life for you. Let’s move on to books.

Books:

You think you can go cold turkey the rest of your life? Think again. Cupid isn’t letting you go that easily.

BOOKS. FICTION. MANGA. WHATEVER IT MAY BE.

Bury yourself in it. It’s the only cover you have from Cupid! How else are you going to get that half naked flying baby armed with bows and arrows to leave you alone? By showing him/it you believe in this stupid thing called ‘Love’ of course! This is vital. Look at all the people out there who don’t read romance fiction. Shot down by Cupid that’s what! That blasted thing has been wrecking havoc since day one of life on Earth. Making people drag pianos through a street and catching grenades for others!

ProTip:

Just make sure you don’t get too ahead of yourself. None of the things in fictional romance is true. The guy does not come running after you when you throw a bitch fit, vampires don’t exist and they definitely don’t sparkle.

Food:

You think you can simply eat what you want?

Spinsterhood is not for the weak!

It’s a boot camp for the hardy and only the strongest will prevail! Have you heard of happy food? Well, stock up because you don’t want yourself reconsidering a relationship.

Foods that I recommend are things high in sugar.

These things get you really high and you don’t even get hung over the next day! They taste awesome and will never leave you.

Food never hurt anyone’s feelings.

Unless it’s a fruit cake with a prune on top. *shudder* But other than that, all’s good.

Fat? Of course you’ll get fat if you don’t exercise. Work out! It contributes to a healthy lifestyle. Besides, all the working out would stop you from going out and getting yourself tempted by a single guy. If you really want to backslide, at least do it in a way where you don’t look desperate you know?

Music:

As I have said spinsterhood is not for the weak. You need more than just books to hide from Cupid. You don’t read 24/7. Music is also a good way to trick Cupid into thinking you’re already hit. Listen to love songs. I recommend anything from the Taylor Swift section. Cupids loves that kind of stuff. Plug it in and it’ll be *cue Pokemon BGM* SUPER EFFECTIVE!

If you think these methods aren’t enough, you could try going vegan. Most of the time, you’ll be so busy caring about not hurting animals to even care about boys. You’re cats may even love to more. Besides, there’s no boy out there who is actually vegan.

Just kidding, on both statements.

You have to weave these into your currently lifestyle for it to work. This isn’t a temporary thing. It’s a way of life!

I can only help you this far. The rest is up to your willpower. Stay strong and don’t let that flying baby get you!

Probably ruining it for tons of eligible guys out there,

Cherie.

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