Mistakes in my life.

People always asked me what I wanted to do if I had a time machine and I told them that I wish I never had a reason to want one. The worst thing that could happen is when I have a reason to want one. If that makes any sense at all.

One of the biggest mistakes in my life was when I rejected him. I didn’t even know that I did. But once I found out, it was the very first thing on my ‘Things I had to if I had a time machine’ list. It was to go back and tell him.

‘Yes. You know what? I do like you better.’

I wish I could go back to that time and say that. Maybe I’d be happier now. Maybe I wouldn’t have to wait so long.

It was bad luck. But I kept waiting.

I wonder if that was another mistake? But I decided that good things came to people who waited. So I did.

A while later I asked again. Maybe that was another mistake.

I didn’t know how to react to what I myself did. I didn’t know how to handle the result. I thought it was a 50-50 thing but I got the hyphen. Each time it happened, I withdrew myself. I told myself I’ll close myself up because that’s what he’d want. But after awhile I found myself opening up to him again over and over.

I swore to myself I would never hurt him. But whatever I did, somehow I’d break his heart. Somehow I’d make him cry and worry. I felt like a bitch. I felt like the only thing I had ever done for him was to hurt him. I found myself a burden to him. But I still kept on waiting and clinging on to him. Call me a leech because that’s what I felt like. Leeching off his life force.

Sometimes I thought to myself. If I disappeared from his life, would he get enough sleep? He might even have better relationships with his friends because he gets to go out more often. He didn’t have to be at home with me; talking to me.

I probably got too pampered. Overlooked all the effort he put in just to see me. After a while I was spoilt rotten. I took the fact that he came online to find me as a right rather than a privilege. Horrible. I was a horrible girl. No where nice at all.

Often he asked  me if I’d ever get bored of him. Or why I wasn’t already bored of him.

I told him I didn’t know. I never elaborated. Why? Was I going to go, ‘Because I love you dammit!’ each time he said something like that? I wish I did. Maybe it would have made a difference. But nothing changes the fact that I didn’t say it to him. So nothing happened. Nothing could have happened. Again, I don’t know if that was a mistake. Although it sure seemed like one to me.

But how sure was I that I loved him? A lot of people ask me.

I keep him in my prayers every night. I pray his stress levels would go down. Pray that the cold would not get him. And that hopefully, after all I have waited. That he’ll consider me again; give me a second chance. Maybe one day he’ll ask me again.

‘Would you be mine?’

Or something along those lines. I just wanted him as mine.

When I watched people get married. Pictures of them happy together. I think about maybe a future together. Being happy and doing retarded stuff together.

But friends is all we’ll ever be.

He’s made it painfully clear.

It’s something I’ll never understand at all. No matter how many times I re-read our conversations I don’t understand. I can’t comprehend this feeling he feels.

I’m going to lose him if I don’t wait and stay with him. If I go with someone else, I’ll lose him too. If I do none, then I’ll never have a happy love life. Ever. I lose either way. What a sick prank life would play on me.

No one knows me better than he does. No one has gone through as much as he has with me. He’s precious to me. A priceless treasure; a family heirloom. I can’t afford to lose him.

When he finally told me not to wait, everything was pretty clear to me and my gosh did it hurt like hell.

If not waiting made him happy. Then I won’t wait. I’ll be a good friend. I won’t be stubborn anymore. I’m tired. I can’t argue over something I can’t change.

Yet I can’t bring myself to give up.

Leave it to fate he says.

That’s the only way left. Only chance I have. But I’ll take it.

I’ll lie to myself. Tell myself that there’s still hope left. That something will change.

Maybe he’s right and there’s a
guy better than him out there. Although I can’t imagine that happening.

Why can everything finally straighten out?

I still love him,
Cherie.

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