Lovesick

Hey how you doing, love?

How’s life?

Have you eaten?

Is it cold?

How was sleep?

Are you feeling alright?

How was your day?

What are you doing?

Sometimes, I wonder if I ask too many questions. I wonder if I’m a bother. Do you ever get tired of answering me? Will you get tired of answering me?

It’s a scary feeling. To love you so much.

At first it felt like a dream. Waiting felt easy. It was a breeze.

But as the clock ticks, my mind drives into reality and the bubble protecting me from reality wears thin. I realize that I don’t know what I’m waiting for. I’m blindly waiting. I don’t know if what I’m waiting for is there, or if it even exists.

Desperately, I try to drown out my doubts. I’m terrified of reality. I try to layer on layers of fantasy and romance. It’s like morphine; doing more bad than good. But it numbs the pain and stones me.

What’s wrong with me?

Is this a phase or is everything just going bad. Or am I the one that is going bad?

Life is still downhill. I try to think that I’m getting somewhere but the truth is I’m still stuck. Where? I don’t know. I really want to be better. I don’t want to be glum all the time either. I smile but I know deep inside I’m not happy. I laugh but every cry is hollow. The only things that make me happy are dreams and you.

But dreams don’t come true, do they? What more, they are all about you.

And it’s a horrible feeling. Every time I see you sitting in front of me. I smile. I know I’m dreaming, I know it’s not real. Yet for those few moments, my happiness is the most genuine. But when I wake up that morning or late night, I cry. Because it means that either I’ll never see you, or I’ll never be that happy again. Every time that dream occurs, I hope I never have to wake up. That I may stay this way forever.

You always ask me. How is school? And I always tell you the same thing. It’s okay.

It’s okay because I’m still breathing.

It’s okay because I made it back alive to talk to you.

It’s okay because my wrist still have the same amount of scars and not more.

But for so many reasons, school is not okay.

Everyday I go to school, I die inside.

I feel defeated and pathetic.

I feel like a waste of space.

I feel like a waste of money; a failing investment.

I feel stupid because I can’t do anything right.

I feel constrained, tied down by something that I find utterly useless, yet so taxing.

I’m angry all the time, though I try not to be.

But the worst thing is, I’ve changed.

Changed into someone… no, something. Something I spent years telling my younger self that I would never become. I have no idea how to get rid of this feeling anymore. I can’t run away from it. I can’t kill it off. I’m a slave to my mind. And till the day I die- or get hit by a red truck (because red is my favourite colour), I will remain this way. It’s sad, and God-damned pathetic.

It is also because I’ve changed so much. That I can’t see myself with you anymore. The dreams and aspirations are starting to fade, leaving an empty void in my heart once again, left bare by silent family. I don’t deserve you anymore.

I’m simply, not good enough anymore.

And as much as I want to tell you, to leave me since I’m already so broken and scarred, I can’t. Because if I did, I’ll stare at your back as you leave. Hoping and praying that you’ll turn around and come back to me. And I know that I’ll keep waiting. Even when your back is out of sight. Even when you walk by again and not spare a glance in my direction. I’ll wait endlessly for you to come back and hold me close. Telling me everything is okay and that you’ll always be around.

Because only you can numb the pain in my heart.

I’m so lovesick. I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know what to do with myself. Love has me blinded. Don’t know where I’m going from here. I can’t see straight. I can’t think straight.

Everything in my head is just so messy. Even messier than it already was.

Cherie

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