I forget so much now. I don’t even remember what I did last week. I have to look at my organizer. I didnt even see the last four months go by. I don’t remember dates. And it’s making me feel fucking stupid and horrible. Because all I remember are these bad dreams or nothing at all. Nightmares. Of me running away from something or someone. Of finally being caught and shot, stabbed or killed. Many a times I would fall to my death or end up drowning. I remember them so clearly. The stretch of muscle felt so real when I was shot at the right of my neck just three nightmares ago. The shatter of my skull as it hit the concrete as I fell to my death just last night.
Sometimes I just want to runaway from home because ‘home’ makes me feel so much lonelier. Everyone at home is lonely. All in different ways so we can’t understand each other. We try to comfort each other by sharing our problems. We discuss but nothing is solved. Sometimes we pretend we understand but it only makes things worst and that’s how sad everything is. We, as a family can barely understand what is going on with each other.
Even the members who seem happy can make things worst. Standing beside someone who shines so brightly only makes me look and feel dimmer. But I’m happy that they’re happy. Because loneliness is so horrible to go through, especially since you can only ever go through it by yourself.
I’d like to go somewhere far away where no one at all knows me. My family always says I’ll miss home. But what is there to miss? When home is just a place where my loneliness is amplified ten times over?
I hate saying this. I hate how I feel. I hate that I’ve ‘grown up’ and now feel ‘adult’ emotions. To feel the pain of growing old. Sometimes I wonder if this is normal. Everyone says it is. Does that mean deep down everyone is depressed and lonely? Does that mean everyone has a family like mine?
Does everyone grow up to be so sad and tired of life? Because if that’s the case, I’d rather end this pain and suffering right here, right now.
Just like in my dreams.