God Knows…- Haruko Momoi

kawaita kokoro de kakenukeru
gomen ne nani mo dekinakute
itami wo wakachiau koto sae
anata wa yurushite kurenai
I run past others with a parched heart.
Sorry, I can’t do anything.
You won’t even let me
Share our pain together.
muku ni ikiru tame ni furimukazu
senaka mukete satteshimau
on the lonely rail
To live on without tarnish,
I face your back and head out without looking back
on the lonely rail
watashi tsuiteiku yo
donna tsurai sekai no yami no naka de sae
kitto anata wa kagayaite
koeru mirai no hate
yowasa yue ni tamashii kowasarenu you ni
my way kasanaru yo
ima futari ni God bless…
I will follow you.
No matter how agonizing the world is,
You will shine even in its darkest corners.
Cross over the end of the future,
My weakness will not shatter my spirit.
my way is overlapping with yours.
For the two of us, God bless…
todokete atsuku naru omoi wa
genjitsu tokashite samayou
aitai kimochi ni riyuu wa nai
anata e afuredasu Lovin’ you
This warming affection that reaches me,
It melts my reality and roams my heart.
I don’t need a reason for wanting to meet you,
Just my overflowing feelings, Lovin’ you
semete utsukushii yume dake wo
egakinagara oikakeyou
for your lonely heart
For now, let’s paint a beautiful dream
And chase after
for your lonely heart
yamete uso wa anata rashikunai yo
me wo mite kore kara no koto wo hanasou
watashi kakugo shiteru
kurai mirai datte
tsuyoku natte unmei kaerareru kamo ne
my wish kanaetai noni
subete wa God knows…
Stop it, it’s not like you to lie.
Look at my eyes and let’s talk about our future.
I am prepared,
Even if the future is bleak,
I might be able to change destiny if I become stronger.
But for my wish to come true,
Everything is God knows…
anata ga ite watashi ga ite
hoka no hito wa kieteshimatta
awai yume no utsukushisa wo egakinagara
kizuato nazoru
You are here, I am here.
Everyone else has disappeared.
While we paint the beauty of this fleeting dream,
We trace out the lines of our scars.
dakara watashi tsuiteiku yo
donna tsurai sekai no yami no naka de sae
kitto anata wa kagayaite
koeru mirai no hate
yowasa yue ni tamashii kowasarenu you ni
my way kasanaru yo
ima futari ni God bless…
That’s why I will follow you.
No matter how agonizing the world is,
You will shine even in its darkest corners.
Cross over the end of the future,
My weakness will not shatter my spirit.
my way is overlapping with yours.
For the two of us, God bless…

[CW] Rush

Asper POV

I would have preferred the bracelet on any day.

I had rejected him, not physically so the creed wouldn’t take place as fast, but he didn’t have to know that. Unknown to many, the pain of rejection actually struck the initiator first. Often this fact was over looked since it was usually the males who took the initiative and those ego-hugging pigs almost never let their pain show.

‘Shit this hurts!’ I managed to gasp, slipping off my swing and sending Cobalt tumbling after me.

‘The hell happened?!’ Cobalt pulled me into his arms and started to rock me. ‘You’re sweating icicles from your skin. What the hell did he do to you?’

‘Urgh.’ My head lolled to my side and I held my head. ‘Dizzy. Going to hurl.’

‘You need to stay with me, Asper… Why the hell are you even smiling?!’ I could hear the utter shock in his voice. ‘Stay here, I’ll get the blankets.’

‘I rejected him.’ I whispered as I closed my eyes, wistfully. I finally had something I could be proud of. Meanwhile, I felt Cobalt jerk to a halt.

‘You did what?’ His voice was deadpan.

‘I rejected him. Recited the creed.’ the room was spinning and the setting sun seemed to be getting brighter by the second. ‘I’m free, Cobalt.’

‘No no no, this can’t be happening! How did you know the creed?!’ He was frantic. Why? I thought he wanted the best for me. Now both of us would be free.

‘I read it from one of Xavier’s books in the imperial library.’ Before he could question me any further, ‘I broke in. I was bored. You should have excepted that.’

Cobalt was shaking. From his aura, he was a strange mix of fear and anger.

‘Hon, could you get me an aspirin? My head is killing me.’ I tried breaking the tension.

‘Asp, you need to go back to him and fix this.’ I tried to get up to protest but he pushed me back down from the base of my throat. ‘Shh. Do you feel that?’

‘The only thing I’m feeling is my head about to explode if you don’t get me my god damn aspirin!’ I was hysterical but I didn’t care. I felt like I was about to die. ‘Worst hangover, ever.’

‘He’s nearing, tracking my energy signature.’

‘What?’ Oh hell no. ‘You should leave. He’s coming to kill you. He thinks we ran away together.’

‘I’m staying.’

‘Cobalt, you’re practically a homing becon! If you get out of here now, you can still run. Hurry. I’ll be fine. ‘

‘If I leave he won’t be able to find you.’

‘Gee that would be a bonus…’ I didn’t think of that. My energy levels were draining thanks to the creed setting in. Wait a minute… ‘You want him to find me?’

‘Yes… no…um…’ He wasn’t about to betray me just like that was he? No… I couldn’t allow it.

I took a deep breath.

‘ORION!’ At the corner of my eye, I saw Cobalt leap, his hands covered my mouth and I choked on the sudden loss of oxygen. As much as I could, I fought, but I was weakened and Cobalt was bursting with Xavier’s royal energy.

Then I felt it. A warm rush of wind washed over us. I could smell him. Peppermint and lavender. The energy that rolled off him was unnerving. He was angry and worried. Yeah, he better be.

Looking up, I caught Cobalt holding his breath as he slowly turned.

‘Shit.’ I heard him mutter.

‘The fuck are you doing?!’ He roared and leaped towards Cobalt, knocking him clean off me. I look a deep breath, that sounded more like a gasp.

Wheeling my head to my side, I watched the boys throw punches then slash at each other with drawn claws. Cobalt’s hands were wound around Xavier’s neck, claws digging into his neck, drawing blood. His eyes were pitch black just like Xavier’s. It dawned on me that they were fighting to kill.

‘Stop.’ I whispered but they rolled further from me, destroying an innocent rose bush near by.

In their new position, Xavier was saddling him, preventing Cobalt from moving his entire body. His hands were on Cobalt’s neck and his fangs were elongated, going for Cobalt’s jaguar. Cobalt on the other hand saw it coming and had his hands in Xavier’s hair, tugging his head back.

It looked like a really bad boyxboy porno and I would have laughed, if only my head would stop spinning.

‘Orion.’ I whispered, hoping he was nearby ‘Orion, come to mommy.’

I waited a few seconds and sighed in defeat. He must have been out hunting. It was hunting season and Orion would be feasting. Plus I was home early today.

Over on the other side of the universe, Cobalt had managed to break free from Xavier’s hold and picked him right in the bollocks. I winced as Xavier groaned and rolled off him.

‘No time to play, Angelo. Asper needs you.’ Cobalt threw Xavier a good three feet.

‘Damn right she does.’ Xavier’s voice was ragged as he wiped blood from his lips, licking his fangs while he was at it.

‘The creed is in place and her body can’t take it. She wasn’t at full strength when she recited it so it’s eating her up right now. She needs your energy.’ Cobalt was pleading with him and I grunted. Not too lady-like, but definitely called for.

‘So you finally realize why it can never be you that can sustain her.’ Xavier’s tone was smug and I frowned. I didn’t need him, I was independent as of now. All I had to do was wait for all this to blow over.

‘For the last time, Angelo! We never had s-‘

‘Shh.’ Xavier interrupted. ‘Do you feel that?’

‘Feel what? I can’t feel-‘ The words seemed to died on Cobalt’s lips. ‘Crap. Asper.’

I felt Xavier start towards me and my heartbeat quickened. I tried to roll out of the way but I was in his arms in seconds. Tiny shocks nipped at my skin and I sighed. I was going to miss this.

I felt his energy seep into me and my headache lifted, much to my relief. He must have noticed how I was feeling better because he finally spoke.

‘Feeling better?’ Maybe it was me, but hearing his voice pissed me off all over again. When I was positive I had harvested enough energy, I screamed and kicked. He held onto me even tighter and I screamed bloody murder.

A roar filled the sky. I felt a huge gush of wind push down on me and a large force tore Xavier from me. I whimpered at the loss of my energy source, as my energy started to drain all over again.

I looked up at a familiar face(pun intended), and smiled. Orion’s glamour had broken. That must have been what sent him running.

‘I missed you.’ I mouthed to him. He huffed and nuzzled onto me, engulfing me in his soft white fur. Carefully wrapping his tail around my waist, he positioned me snug against a soft spot at his belly, feeding me his energy. It wasn’t as delicious as Xavier’s, but I’d take what I got.

‘Asper!’ I heard Xavier shout for me. Glancing through Orion’s thick fur and up at him, I saw that he was keeping a distance but his claws were extended, horns showing and curling in plain sight.

‘Orion.’ Cobalt called. ‘Let her go. Give her to us.’

Orion looked at Cobalt and I could see him consider. In three months, Orion and Cobalt had grown to be best friends. Orion grew up, while Cobalt grew… well, bigger. Orion trusted Cobalt, but Cobalt was trying to hand me over to Xavier, who was going to bring me back to Iroria and slaughter Cobalt after. Cobalt may not see it now, but he had it coming.

I would have said something but the headaches were creeping on me again. Instead, I whimpered and shook my head into Orion’s fur. At the sight of my distress, Orion’s legendary temper flared. His tail tightened around me and pulled me deeper into his fur, out of sight of the boys. Taking a defensive stance, I felt him bare his teeth.

I heard Xavier part-groan-part-whine and I smiled with satisfaction.

‘Orion, don’t be stubborn like Asper, she’s dying.’ Cobalt started. I scoffed and Orion growled. ‘ ‘Can’t you feel it? Her energy dying out.’
‘Don’t. Don’t do it, Orion.’ I spoke, only to find my voice rough as sandpaper.

‘Orion!’ I sensed the frustration in Cobalt’s voice. ‘The only person who can help her is here, behind me. He’s her mate, Orion. He cannot bring harm to her.’
I tooted. No harm to me? If my time served in the dungeon wasn’t harm, then I must be in heaven here on earth.

I pulled my legs up to my chest. Strangely, I felt cold. Too cold. As if I were losing too much blood. I heard Orion whimper as his powerful limbs started to shake and give way. Since my power and strength was Orion’s, my weakened state would reduced Orion to nothing but a wild cat at best.

Shouts rang through my darkness. It was only then did I notice that I had shut my eyes and couldn’t open them again. The shouting started to echo, thumps on the ground turned into gallops and I felt that familiar warmth rush towards me again.

Not even being with Orion for a full five minutes, I was ripped from him with so much force, it sent my ragdoll of a body straight into whom I presumed to be Xavier.

‘Gods love, you’re so cold.’ yup, definitely him. I would have fought, but his warmth was addictive; something I craved. He had me plastered on him, trying to get more surface area for me to take energy from him.

As I adjusted my head at the crook of his neck, I heard him pant. I knew he was turned on. The act of energy transfer between mates was often compared to a vampire bite, which was said to feel like mind blowing sex.

Xavier was both a vampire and my mate. I dully noted. Well fuck me.

I felt my headache lift and my body start to warm up again. Maybe it was just Xavier, but at this point of time I didn’t really care. Snuggling into his chest and this long forgotten feeling of serenity, I let the beckoning darkness take me, my last thought being:

What the hell have I done?

Xavier’s POV

She is entitled to a familiar. That familiar is a shatter lynx and she almost died. Again.

Cobalt showed me to her room which I found was peculiar, as it was all the way down the hall away from his. I would have thought he had led me to a guest room, but her clothes laid sprawled on the bed and over chairs. Her scent was strong and all over the place, marking this room as hers.

Stepping over what looked like a singlet, I made my way to her bed, which looked like the one I had given her back in Iroria. I smiled. At least she bothered trying to remember.

I recalled the garden I had charged into. It look exactly like the one back in the palace, complete with a swing. I would have stopped to admire her work, but she had pulled a suicide attempt on me.

Orion, the name of her familiar, as Cobalt had called him, rested at the foot of the bed, watching me through sleepy eyes. I stared down at Asper and my heart swelled. She was so beautiful, so innocent looking.

Her jet black hair fell lightly across her face in loose curls while her long lashes fanned out, making her look angelic. Pressing my nose into her hair, I took a deep breath and moaned. It was a bad idea. The transfer of energy felt too good and despite my efforts I had been semi-hard the entire walk back to her home.

Now, with her scent fresh on my nostrils, I was teetering over the edge of taking her right here and now, not caring if I got clawed to death by her beast of a familiar while I was at it. The thought of doing it that way got me even harder and I groaned. Orion’s eyes opened and stared at me threateningly, as if daring me to even move at all. I matched his stare. I wasn’t about to submit to a beast, no matter how dangerous it was or would grow to be.

Asper stirred in my arms, her bottom rubbing me just right down south and I gasped.

‘Don’t do that.’ I murmured into her hair as I struggled to regain control. ‘It’s dangerous.’

Oblivious to my earlier warning, she shifted roughly again. This time, one of her limps missed the bed and she started sliding out of my arms and towards the floor. In panic, I grabbed her by her waist and hauled her onto me. Sighing in relief as her head flopped onto my neck. Her hair may have tickled a little, but it was better than her suffering a concussion in her sleep.

Wrapping my arms around her waist once more, I let her shuffle once more to get into a more comfortable position. When she was done, I looked down and gulped. If it wasn’t bad before, it sure was now.

Asper was saddling me. She sat on my lap with a thigh in each of my legs, body pressed up close against me. Her arms curled round my neck while her head rested on the crook of my neck.

I thought about what Cobalt had said earlier today. As much as I hated to admit, he was right. I never exactly respected Asper. I figured it was a good time to start. But by Oden, she was making it so hard for me. Literally.

I took a deep breath as her legs wound tighter round my waist as she snuggled closer. Often, she would sigh in content while she fed off my energy, making the hair at the back of my neck stand.

‘She doesn’t want you. Doesn’t trust you. Got to earn it back, got to respect her.’ I chanted out loud to myself.

Orion looked up curiously, probably wondering what the hell I was doing. I must have looked flushed and pathetic to him because he seemed to smirk and laid down back to sleep. Dumb beast. I couldn’t wait till he hit maturity and felt what I felt.

‘Xavier.’ Asper moaned into my ear and I froze. Oden have mercy, did I just hear that? ‘Xavier!’ Asper whined this time. All my restraint melted away as my hand flew to her round behind and squeezed, earning a humm from her throat.

Fuck respecting her. I’ll start tomorrow.

Using a hand to support her neck, I lifted her head and examined her. Her eyes were still closed but her lips were parted; inviting and tempting me. They were full and didn’t have that blue tinge from two hours ago.

‘Forgive me.’ I whispered, as I captured her vulnerable lips with mine.

Food for thought: Trust

This is something I thought up while I was thinking of you.

People say that trust, when broken can never be the same again. To me, trust starts as a blank piece of paper, without a tear or crease. With each fold comes a flaw or hiccup in the relationship or impression. After a while, that piece of paper will never be as good as new. But people have to realize that most of the time, we don’t meet papers fresh from the factory. We meet papers that has been passed around, paper clipped, stapled, coffee-stained or ripped. What really matters on the paper is it’s content; the story it tells. You don’t fall in love with the cover of a book, we fall in love with the story.
And that’s why trust is linked to love. To be able to love someone past their flaw, scars and bruises.
Broken trust is the stepping stone to love, not the death of it.

Dreaming Big

When I grow up, I don’t want to be in Singapore. I want to work in an office. A big, posh, polished office, with a really pretty view. I imagine it to be really high up. Up with the other important offices, sharing that same important city skyline. We’ll do all that grown up stuff, like slacking off, complaining about our boss and having $7 coffees. I’ll take part in gossip, maybe start a trend.

When I grow up, I’ll be studying overseas. I’ll live in a hostel by myself, maybe have a room mate. I’ll actually be afraid to walk the streets at night and hate my room mate’s guts. On short term breaks where I can’t return home, I’ll receive thin mints from the family, half year supplies of green tea from my friends and ‘Come back soon’ cards. Cards which I would reply with a cringe-worthy postcard that says ‘Wish you were here!’, and I’ll be on my merry way. Maybe I’ll attract a jock, get into trouble with Queen-bitch bimbos and launch into a mid-life crisis because ‘the goth life chose me’. I’ll make a queer group of friends and we’ll do artsy things like watch plays and actually enjoy museum visits. We’ll be weird around each other. We’ll have the weirdest OCDs and not care. We’ll have quirky personalities, wear quirky shoes and buy quirky things. We’d be that real life cast of ‘F.R.I.E.N.D.S’.

When I grow up, I’ll have my own job and rent my own apartment. I’ll worry about grown up things, like bills, meals and what happened on Pretty Little Liars last episode. I’ll fight a shopping addiction; maybe even write my own book. My apartment would be really clean, mainly because I wouldn’t have money to buy any kind of furniture, and my closet would be filled with thrift store steals. But it’s okay, because I’ll probably figure out how to look hot in them, one way or another. And somehow, just somehow, I’ll own a car. A pretty fire-engine red mini cooper that screams ‘FUN, FUN, FUN, Classy.’

When I grow up, I’ll experience all the four seasons. From freeze-my-butt-off winter, to let-me-run-around-naked summer. I’ll shovel the snow, rake the leaves and apply the sunscreen. I’ll get to go caroling, leaf diving and swimming. I’ll bake seasonal pies and Christmas cookies. I’ll work jobs I never got to work, like snow-shoveling and mowing lawns, organize campfires in the autumn, swimming in lakes during the spring and snoozing by the beach in hammocks when summer comes round.

When I grow up, I’ll do crazy things. I’ll go cliff hoping, busking and mosh-pit surfing or get really sick by myself at home and enjoy it. I might even sass a racist dude and get chased all the way out of that part of town, or pretend I’m an escaped North Korean for a day. I’d accept candy from a stranger just to see his reaction or spray paint an anime character on a wall. Then I’ll get a part time job at a zoo and take care of birds of paradise. I might even start a band that does acoustic, indie, jazz and pop covers.

When I grow up, I’ll fall in love. I’ll find the man who will make me nervous with just his presence. His hand would fit mine perfectly, like two jigsaw puzzles. His touch would set my skin on fire and make the little hairs at the back of my neck stand. Anything he does will make me happy, whether it’s something stupid or embarrassing. He’ll be the man I’ll actually allow take me long walks on the beach, candle lit dinners, kiss me under a mistletoe and pick me from school or work. He’ll be the man who understands and accepts all of me; my other half, my soul mate.

And when I’ve grown up, I’ll go home. Back to Singapore. No, I wouldn’t necessarily stay, but I’ll be back there. My IC may not be pink anymore, and I’d have a bit of an accent. There may be ring on my finger by then, but I’ll go home, to my family. My expanding family. My hair would be done up in a simple french twist and I’d be an a simple navy blue skater dress. Arm in arm with the love of my life, I’ll go home to my nieces or nephews who eagerly await my return. They’ll hound me for stories of what I did overseas. The people I met and the crazy things I’d done. And I will be a teacher to them. I will show them that.

No dream is too far fetched, everyone can dream and anyone can make their dreams come true. As long as they constantly fight and reach for it.