I’m sorry, I’m just very hormonal right now, I don’t know why.
I had a long day today. Woke up at 6.20am in the morning to rush to work and ended up being half an hour late. I reached at 8.15am instead of 8am. After which we had to lug this huge pop-up stand and at least 10kg worth of collaterals down a slope (that I had run up just moments before) to hail a cab. Traffic was bad and we stood there with the exhaust fumes of passing vehicles. Did I mention I didn’t have breakfast and was practically starving to death? Yeah.
When we finally reached our destination, we were led wrongly up three floors and had to go back to the ground floor to set up. After which, I had sat there for the entire 6 hours of my life watching people walk by because NO ONE WAS INTERESTED IN OUR BOOTH.
When I finally got home, my so called midnight movie surprise event was on again. I’d only invited my aunt but she invited my sister and her husband too. Not that I minded, just that she tried to cancel on me two hours before that because she thought my sister wouldn’t be able to make it. But now that she can, I am supposed to get my ass back home. Yeah, thanks for considering my feelings.
When I finally get home, my sister and her husband were being cold to each other. Or at least my sister was. Let’s just say the mood of the night was complete shit and we were trying to book tickets for a spontaneous movie night. Somehow, everything seemed to be on me.
‘Cherie, should we sit at the 5th row?’
‘But I’ve already watched Despicable Me 2.’
‘I don’t know, ask him.’
‘Cherie, he’s calling you.’
Hand signal, nudge, chair kick
A close friend wanted to borrow money from me and since our movie was supposedly starting at 11.50pm, I decided to go down to draw the money. My aunt followed me down and she commented that she didn’t understand why my sister was like that. That she was so concerned about them. She sounded so sad for them. Ew.
Tension. I don’t know anyway else to put it. I guess that was where I started getting irritated. I didn’t reply. I didn’t have anything nice or good to say so I didn’t say anything. I just let her keep rambling as my eye twitched. I was trying to be a good sport, I really was.
But I couldn’t take it at some point. In the middle of her little rant of why my sister can’t be happy with what she had and going to the movie, I interrupted, asking ‘Then how about next time we don’t invite her?’, to which she replied ‘Because right now we need to help keep her occupied.’
Somehow that seemed to tick me off more so I asked, ‘What about me? Why didn’t I get anyone to ‘keep me occupied’ when I was going through depression?’
‘You had me.’ So she said.
‘Oh really?’ I’d snapped back. ‘ “Been there” like “Cherie why are you crying? Cherie stop crying, people will think you’re crazy. Cherie YOU’RE PISSING ME OFF STOP CRYING”? Sure.’
She kept quiet for a while but commented ‘I went there with you.’ Oh so was that obligation, now?
‘All so you could make sure I didn’t run off and killed myself, right?’ was all I could say while I was getting my cash. Right that moment, the ATM jammed and as I was so furious at life and everything else, I’d stabbed the button a little too hard and my nail broke. And I guess that was where I snapped -everything seemed to come crashing down- because right that instant, I screamed.
I didn’t care, really. I was F-bombing all over the place. Cursing and muttering under my breath. Everything was out of schedule now. My expenses were out of line. I had no money to fix them. I didn’t have time to fix them. I had plans tomorrow. People to meet, have coffee and catch up with. It was supposed to be a good day tomorrow. Hell, it was supposed to be a good day today. But look what happened.
Life wouldn’t let me get away with one rude remark, won’t it? Karma just had to bite me in the ass; slap me in the face, right when I do something directly wrong. That’s just great, right? It takes my bestfriend, it takes my mental health, it takes my complexion and my self confidence AND IT WON’T EVEN LET ME KEEP MY FUCKING NAILS? Thanks a lot. You’ve been a champ.
As I F-Bombed all the way back home with her tailing me, all she did was comment that I was being such a bimbo over my nails. THANKS AGAIN, YOU KNOW ME SO WELL.
At least she bothered to ask what was wrong, to which I’d replied ‘Work’, which I guess was partly true since today was quite a shit day at the office/booth. And guess what words of comfort I get?
‘You shouldn’t bring work problems home.’ THANKS FOR BEING SO UNDERSTANDING. Like I didn’t already fucking know.
When I got home, she completely ignored me and walked into the living room. My brother in law didn’t manage to book tickets because we were trying to get tickets too late. Thank God because I was all ready to stab anything and everything.
The shower was probably the worst shower in the past three months of my life. All I could think about was ‘why’. Why can’t my family spare just a little thought about my feelings? Did they really think that just because I’m suddenly happy and greeting everyone once I get home means I’m not depressed anymore? So now I’m just a hormonal teenager that’s just getting through her ‘phase’? Is that it?
WELL FUCK YOU BECAUSE PEOPLE DON’T GET RID OF DEPRESSION LIKE THAT. IT NEVER FUCKING LEAVES YOU. OKAY?
Why can’t they sit by me when I’m crying and just let me be happy with silent company. Why do I have to hide my tears in my own home? Why do I have to be the one left out and not specially cared for. Why? Is my track record of having the least faults within the family not enough? Is being obedient, coming home on time, not drinking, smoking or clubbing not enough? Why won’t they notice that I scarped my knee a few days back and the wound looks pretty ugly now? Why won’t they notice that I couldn’t sleep these past few days?
WHY IS IT THAT NO MATTER HOW MUCH I TRY I’M NEVER GOOD ENOUGH? Why?
And the worst part is that as I go through this turmoil -in my bathroom, must I add-, I start thinking about him. HIM. REN. MICHAEL. AND IT SUCKS BECAUSE HE OBVIOUSLY DOESN’T WANT ME AND I SHOULD MOVE ON BUT WHEN I’M AT MY LOWEST HE’S THE ONLY COMFORTING THOUGHT I HAVE.
NO. NOT FOOD. NOT MY GAMING. NOT MY BOOKS. BUT HIM.
I still wonder why. Why is it that he is the one that can tell when I’m sad? Why is it only HIM that is asking me. ‘Cherie what’s wrong?’, ‘Cherie talk to me.’, ‘Cherie don’t lie to me’. Why is it that I find myself treasuring someone who isn’t a blood relation or even seen face to face more than my own family? Why is it that when I really needed someone, he was the only one there? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? IS THIS A JOKE?
AND IT FUCKING SUCKS. Because I feel like such a fool. My life is a joke. My ambitions, my efforts. All in vain. Being all zen, not taking advantage of or bullying people. All in vain. Who am I kidding? All those people never got what they deserved in the end. They’re still out there when they’re supposed to get hit by a car at the rate they’re going, but NO THEY ARE STILL OUT THERE SCREWING OTHER PEOPLE’S LIVES UP. AND HERE I AM, GETTING SHIT, BECAUSE I SUCK AT SCHOOL AND EVERYTHING ELSE.
It gets me so fucking depressed all over again, really.
Fuck this. I’m fixing my nail(s) tomorrow even if I have to wake up at 10am to do so.