So I Bare All -6.5.13

hesitance

Decided to compile all my little notes in my organizer into short posts on my wordpress. Here’s one from a while back:

I’ve known you for 4 years, probably more. Married to you online for coming 3 years, and I know it sounds stupid of me to say I love you but I’m so sure of it. I can’t stop thinking about you. You’re everything I do. From when I eat to when I game. Even when the experience is entirely new to me, I weave you in unconsciously. When I’m sitting by myself, I imagine you sitting by me and it’s driving me insane.

This love is so devastating, yet so sweet at the same time. The distance, it hurts, especially when I get crazy urges to kiss and hug you. But at the same time it feels great, spectacular, awesome, knowing that there is someone out there that accepts me for who I am. Cherie Sim, with all her scars and broken memories. To still think I was beautiful even while I was at my lowest.

You’re my version of a perfect human being so please don’t change. Don’t grow cold on me. Trust me, open yourself to me; let me understand you inside out. Let me know your troubles . Let me hold your hand through the pain. It doesn’t make you less of a man, just more human and real.

And I don’t know how to let you see how much I love you, because you’re so far away. I want to hug you, kiss you and sing you to sleep. But I’m all the way over here and you’re all the way over there. And all we have are virtual cards, hugs, kisses and ‘I love you’s’. But dear, it’s okay. Because I love you more than enough to offset this pain.

In a way, my pain ins’t pain at all. It’s more like this horrible urge to say ‘I love you’ to someone; something. I could easily get rid of it, but my heart only wants those words to be heard my your ears only. So I bottle it up, till one day I find myself uttering those words to thin air and breaking down.

Even worst, I dare not say it to you anymore, I fear rejection and not hearing it back. I know I’m in denial and am just being cowardly, but it’s either this or losing my mind. I’d rather evade than bare myself to this cruel world.

But all in all, I want you to know that I love you. So very much that a million love songs and poetry would never do justice.

I don’t love you to the moon and back, I love you to infinity and beyond.

I love you Michael Tan Jun Wei.

Every atom of who you are.

I really am quite the romantic, aren’t I? And creepy. Don’t forget creepy. My God, I am so gross. 

xoxo,

Cherie.

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