Capturing the worst times in my life – 13.5.13

wilting

Here’s a gif of a wilting rose. I picked this image after re-reading my work and decided it was pretty appropriate. Because a flower will always wilt, but it will bloom again, more vibrant and beautiful. 

I don’t like how I feel like now. Scratch that, I’ve never liked how I felt for the past year. Yeah, it’s been a year. I just realized. I barely saw it go by, probably because it felt the same everyday. Monotonous and occasionally, painful.

Everyday, all 365 of them, I felt either depressed, lonely, empty or desperate. Rarely, I’d feel hairs of joy and excitement. Like when I wanted to collect my ‘My Little Pony’ blind-bags and buy tons of CherryCredits. I did those thing; spent all that money, all so that I’d feel somewhat… happy. Because rarely, I’d feel that way. Rarely, I’d feel positive in any way.

Now, my ‘MLP’ collection sits on my shelf in it’s little display case. I barely glance at it now. I had spent approximately $100 on CherryCredits, and I can’t help thinking ‘What a waste of money’. What I did for satisfaction had spent it’s novelty and I’m left with this familiar emptiness once again.

Looking back, I’ve never done much with my year. For 6 months, I was working my butt off at Jewel. The other six I spent moping around and complaining about school. I wrote a little. Made appointments with a psychiatrist and read books. In between, I baked (a lot) and read (tons of) books. I even went out with friends everyday, all in hopes that I, Cherie Sim, wouldn’t cry. I didn’t. Well, not a lot anyway. Instead, I spaced out most of the time and tweeted witty tweets, ranging from intellectual to complete bullshit. At least I’m off my medication, right?

And just recently, I decided to ponder my future (again). It was then that I realized, I don’t know what to do. I didn’t know what I wanted to be anymore. I didn’t know who I was at all. All I knew was that I would turn 19 this year and will be graduating the next. My grades aren’t getting me into a local university and private unis are too expensive.

I’d been thinking of going overseas to study philosophy, but where would my family ever get the money? And oh my God. What if they somehow manage to send me but I turn out to be a total flop?

I’m so fucking unsure of myself and my future. I’ve got nothing and my mind can’t seem to give a rat’s ass.

 

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