Coffee steams in my hands as
The trees by my window dash by.
I try not to think of you but
My playlist spins tunes that remind me of you.

You are a familiar kind of pain;
Depression I have come to live comfortably with.
My very own personal prison.

Coffee streams in my hand.
A poison to my body;
With this I can’t sleep.
My poison that keeps me awake at night as it
Reminds me of you.

But still I drink,
Sip by sip though it burns on my tongue I pray that
The more I take in of you-
In small doses.

I will one day grow immune
To this sickness you’ve brought upon me.


Prune Juice and Mattresses


Okay, so this is going to be a rant post by a very frustrated self.

What can I say about my life now? A mess, that’s what. I just finish my internship and I’m rotting so much at home, you could sell me off as top grade fertilizer.

Hmm, what else. Oh yes, my sleeping schedule is screwed.



It’s probably because I’ve started eating dinner again. No, no. It’s not that I don’t eat, it’s just that I can’t sleep when I’m full. A part of me is still that worrying fatass I’d been in my past, okay? I still count the hours after I eat and try my best to burn as much calories energy before I sleep. It’s not a bad habit, okay. If anything, it’s actually healthier to not eat dinner (I think), something about allowing your body to better cleanse itself.

I take care of myself in different ways because I know myself.

Instead of sleeping, I read my Kindle till 4 in the morning. Sometimes I contemplate reading a little later so that I may catch the morning’s sunrise.

But I always miss it because I’m always watching for it the wrong way.

You could give me a map, blueprint of my house, Jack Sparrow’s compass and I would STILL miss the sunrise because of some stupid reason like the sun would be blocked by some other building. Or I would sneeze and suddenly it would be like, 12 noon or something.

Since I sleep so late, I wake up late as well. Never for breakfast, just in time for lunch and a few hours before dinner.


I FEEL LIKE SUCH A FAT PIG, literally eating and sleeping all day. Oh don’t get me wrong, at times like this, I’d LOVE to get out of the house. But as everyone should already know, I’m broke. The cafe I’d tried to get a job at didn’t call me back (which I’m actually very thankful for because I simply cannot imagine myself waiting tables) so my bank account is now on this steady decline into oblivion, of which I have no idea how I’m going to remedy than to go out with friends who knows where to spend time but not money.

ANOTHER POINT is that I have a new problem, 10 points to anyone who can guess what.


Yes, let’s talk about 

Something I never thought I’d want with all my heart.


I’ve been trying for days and am THIS CLOSE to shoving a pill (we all know that pill) up my arse and going Horishima all over my toilet bowl. But do you know how mortifying and utterly disturbing it is to voluntarily do…that? No way. So I’d resorted to

Because the bathroom is a fracking battlefield right now

So here I am, waiting, waiting, but still nothing.


I’m getting desperate.


And temperamental.


Because right now I’m literally so full of shit and have things rotting inside my body.

I’m doing everything (actually just eating everything) with tons of fiber, reading up on c-c-constipation (I’m still trying to reach my acceptance on this) and basically doing everything I can to avoid The Pill-ing


Because if my body thinks it’s got anything on me, the answer is


I’m going to get this thing out of my body, it’s going to feel like hell is breaking out of my ass, and my body is going to ENJOY IT. 

Alright. Thanks for allowing me to traumatize you.


The Cat Obsession of August

It’s a little late to be writing about this but I’ll do it anyway since I probably will never tire of cats.

They are just too much like me.

Me at school:

At Home: 

Out with Friends: 

When I see someone cute: 



While I was at work, I was called ‘Easy to scare bear’ because even at the slightest attempt to scare me, I react like:


It’s a bad habit, really. It started with tickles (Who doesn’t scream from tickles? If you aren’t ticklish, you aren’t human and that’s final.) and people eventually started to experiment. They still are. Last they discovered, I react horrifically (to me) or ridiculously entertaining (to them) when shut in a room with graphic Yaoi playing on full-blast surround sound. I had to scream continuously just to drown out the grunts/moans/whines/begging/whale sounds of man-on-man rape.

That’s right, they’d launched me straight into a rape scene. I didn’t even get Vanilla. Angry sex would have been slightly better. Actually, anything but man-on-man rape, okay?



When compared to being cat-like, I don’t get the ‘cute and cuddly’ aspects. Instead,

I get the weird and retarded: 

The  Epic Failures: 


General bad rep of being well… an asshole: 


And being really useless everywhere I go: 

But I can be smart too, okay. 


In the month of August, I’d been obsessed with two cat videos.





Talking to the Moon- Bruno Mars

I know you’re somewhere out there
Somewhere far away
I want you back
I want you back

My neighbors think I’m crazy
But they don’t understand
You’re all I have
You’re all I have

At night when the stars
Light up my room
I sit by myself

Talking to the moon, tryin’ to get to you
In hopes you’re on the other side talking to me too
Or, am I a fool who sits alone talking to the moon

I’m feeling like I’m famous
The talk of the town
They say I’ve gone mad
Yeah, I’ve gone mad

But they don’t know what I know
‘Cause when the sun goes down
Someone’s talking back
Yeah, they’re talking back

At night when the stars
Light up my room
I sit by myself

Talking to the moon, tryin’ to get to you
In hopes you’re on the other side talking to me too
Or, am I a fool who sits alone talking to the moon
Ahh ahhh
Do you ever hear me calling?
Ahh ahhh
‘Cause every night
I’m talking to the moon, still tryin’ to get to you
In hopes you’re on the other side talking to me too
Or, am I a fool who sits alone talking to the moon

I know you’re somewhere out there
Somewhere far away


Book Review: Lover Awakened – J.R.Ward

A former blood slave, the vampire Zsadist still bears the scars from a past filled with suffering and humiliation. Renowned for his unquenchable fury and sinister deeds, he is a savage feared by humans and vampires alike. Anger is his only companion, and terror is his only passion—until he rescues a beautiful aristocrat from the evil Lessening Society.

Bella is instantly entranced by the seething power Zsadist possesses. But even as their desire for one another begins to overtake them both, Zsadist’s thirst for vengeance against Bella’s tormentors drives him to the brink of madness. Now, Bella must help her lover overcome the wounds of his tortured past, and find a future with her…


I read this book at 10pm thinking I could simply start a little bedtime story for myself.

Nice try

I was wrong -dead wrong.

Lover Awakened is not a light read. What was I thinking? I was sucked into the story, following the characters so closely, and if I didn’t have polish on, I’d have been biting my nails. Come to think of it, I might just have.

I picked this book up for a few reasons. I thought the story line and plot type seemed similar to Kresley Coles’, with a strong heroines and having the whole soul mate theme running through the story or series. It wasn’t what I expected but I wasn’t disappointed either.

Bella, who I’d imagine would think be a frail and vulnerable girl, turned out to be very strong as a person. Sure, she didn’t have the strength or skills of a warrior, but she definitely had an extremely strong will and determination. She did whatever the hell she wanted and fought for what she believed it, which is what I’d found very admirable.

I kid :}

Zsadist, on the other hand, his story was extremely different from all that I’d read. Even as I re-read certain paragraphs and chapters, I found it a little hard to comprehend what he was feeling. But it took me 3 hours and a good night’s/morning’s sleep to figure things out and it was heartbreaking ):

I did however, found the way he pushed her away similar to the drama in Catbug- Dramabug Minisode (It’s on youtube do check it out). After I made that connection I was hysterical.

The book in itself was tastefully complicated, giving me things to think about and characters to fuss over. I found Bella’s and Zsadist’s relationship to be very frustrating at times. Just when I thought they were about to get along and he was going to love her, he’d push her away, hurting her and I’d be reading the book like



I was so scared that Bella would give up in the end and I’d be, well, shattered. I get attached to things way too fast.

I did, however, LOVE the way they got back with each other. It was simply the sweetest thing ever. 

“I… What are you saying, Zsadist?” she stammered, even though she’d heard every word.

He glanced back down at the pencil in his hand and then turned to the table. Flipping the spiral notebook to a new page, he bent way over and labored on top of the paper for quite a while. Then he ripped the sheet free.

His hand was shaking as he held it out. “It’s messy.”

Bella took the paper. In a child’s uneven block letters there were three words: I LOVE YOU

Her lips flattened tight as her eyes stung. The handwriting got wavy and then disappeared.

“Maybe you can’t read it,” he said in a small voice. “I can do it over.”

She shook her head. “I can read it just fine. It’s… beautiful.”

“I don’t expect anything back. I mean… I know that you don’t… feel that for me anymore. But I wanted you to know. It’s important that you knew.”

I was so relieved I almost cried, partly wondering





Overall, I’ll give this book 5/5 Stars, mainly because

  1. Everything turned out really well and I felt strangely fulfilled.
  2. The book related to me in some strange way. Something about fighting for the love you want and never settling for less. Bella wanted Zsadist and that was who she relentlessly pursued and got, by the way.
  3. I loved it, okay? The book was different and eye opening.

So there you have it. I’m actually really excited to read the other books in J.R Ward’s series. It’s going to take me a while, but I’ll get there somehow!