Knock-Knock, Hello.


So… Exam week just started and I’m really trying my best. I don’t remember studying this much ever, probably because I’ve always studied with people from the same course as me and I’d pick random things up as they talked about it. It was a win-win. Also because I have such shit memory these few days or ever since I kind of… lost it about a year back. I can barely remember what I did the day before or what I have for breakfast (it’s always bread, that’s all I know.), but that’s all in the norm now.

I’d like to say I’ve been having a good time -I have been actually. Having close friends again is the bomb. It’s just that I can’t quite keep the ‘happy’ in me, I don’t know why. I just get really emotionally tired after awhile. I’d like to talk about it but it never feels like the right time. How do I tell my friends when most of the time I’m so happy to see them. So I’m thinking all, ‘Meh, let’s not ruin such a happy moment.’
Blah, with my heart, it never is the right time. That’s why I’m neck-deep in this emotional shit with trust issues and anxiety.

Here’s what’s wrong. Or at least what I hope I can pin point is.

I’m not sure if it’s all the studying or the long lonely bus rides but it’s getting bad again. I can’t sleep and my appetite in the morning is fading. I can feel my body creasing to function and I’m so near my last lap. I’m so worried. Too worried.

I’ve been gasping for air because I zone out and forget to breathe. I can’t stop thinking about him again and I can’t get myself to cry. It’s just this empty feeling I get in my chest when I’m alone and I wonder what the hell just happened. Most of the time I wonder if my day was real. Is that how alot of people feel?

Something along the lines of:
-In the shower-
Me: Woah. Was my friends really at my house today? What was I doing for the last 8 hours? Did I eat dinner? Oh my God, what did I study.

I feel like I’m going back to when I’d lost all sense of time. When I could confuse mornings with afternoons, night and day break. I’d hate being conscious through all of that again.

And I hate to admit it because I’m so ashamed of myself but I’ve started talking my medication again. Honestly, I despise myself for doing it. In a way it’s worst that slashing. I zone out more. My laughter has to be forced and my smile doesn’t reach my eyes, not that I’m not happy for that moment, just that I don’t feel anything at all.

I don’t think slashing is better, hell no. Because of my stupid impulses and emotions, I will probably never qualify to fly as a job and people are going to judge me when they see my scars whether I like it or not. But it’s still the satisfaction of cutting that always gets me. As if hurting myself was a way for me to get the last laugh as I battle against my insanity. After all, it can whisper but it cannot make me bleed.

Unfortunately, it hasn’t been working as well anymore. My head gets heavy but my mind is wide awake. I want to sleep but I can’t because my mind wants to think. Think of what? Of Micheal? Ren? Nope. I don’t know. She doesn’t know. So we just lay there and I picture myself staring at my mimic thinking to her ‘What now?’ and she never really tells me anything substantial. Stupid bitch, it’s been a year and we’re still stuck at square one.

Most of the time I get through the nights thinking of rocking myself to sleep on a hammock. That’s it. No one beside me or in the room. Just me and the sea, and probably a few palm trees at the back.


I feel like crying on the bus all the time. I get close to doing so but I never get close enough. Somehow I never seem to ‘feel’ enough. Almost but not quite. It’s like feeling sick from too much alcohol. You want to puke but you can’t.

I’m thinking that it’s probably because I’m out in public and my depression has deepened to a point where it’s actually conscious of itself. It doesn’t want anyone to know so I don’t cry, nor do I cry when I get home because I can’t explain myself when I do. Then again, I can’t explain why I can’t cry either.

So I feel like my body just absorbs this sadness, as if keeping it for a rainy day or at least till I snap (again) and burst out into hysterics (again) and my aunty would have to scream and shout at me to shut up (again). Till then all I feel is empty. Like the years before Ren and the time after. Except this time I’m also dormant, fearful and… stale, like a french fry forgotten under a cafeteria table.

It could be worst,
I could have been eaten, chewed, tasted and then spat out.
Oh wait.

I’m really sorry that this post is such a downer but this blog is for documentation after all. It’s not all rainbows and ponies in Cherie-land, I wish. I just hope that when my psychiatrist asks me what went wrong again, I’ll be able to pull something out rather than stare blankly back at him and say ‘I don’t know.’

Will write about study week soon!

Don’t worry, I’m not cutting. I’m just trying to get better.
As always.

Cherie.

The Koala Ball Challenge

Exams are around the corner and of course I am finding as many ways as possible to not study. It’s not healthy, I know, but sometimes I just can’t help it. Study hard play hard, you know?

Anyways, during Valentine’s Day, I went visiting to my friend’s house since it also happened to be the last day of Chinese New Year. After dinner and few games of some charades smartphone game, my friend pulled out 6 boxes of Lotte Koala cookies and asked us to do the Koala Ball Challenge.

The Koala Ball Challenge: 

You are to supposed to shake the box of koala biscuits 5000 times and all the bite sized biscuits will turn into a large chocoball.
My friends and I couldn’t be bothered to count so we decided to just shake the thing for 30minutes, which really is no joke I tell you.

Our Koala Ball Challenge:

I am a little ashamed as to how amazed at how the biscuits turned into balls. I mean, I for one should have expected it since God knows I love making biscuit bases so much because it’s so much easier than cutting butter into flour and blind baking it. At least I can say these were genuine reactions.

And that we are very easily amused, entertained and dazzled. Even by a chocolate ball.

My Koala Ball Challenge:

My friends didn’t like the Koala biscuits very much but I personally thought it wasn’t bad. Given, it would never compare to Hello Panda, but I would totally go for it if Hello Pandas aren’t available. Not exactly sure of the odds of something like that happening, but oh well.

I did my challenge with the strawberry flavoured biscuits the second time round just to test the flavor. I probably shouldn’t have shaken the box for 30minutes straight. It was over-shaken and the cream was everywhere in the plastic packaging. It started feeling like a ball at the 15minute mark so I’m guessing that’s where I hit the 5000th shake?

Hello Panda Ball Alternative: 

NO VIDEO HERE, NOPE.

Sorry, I meant to do this challenge (Tomorrow, I’d said in the video. /rollseyes I don’t know why I overestimate myself.) but I got caught in the exam study week cram and excuses, excuses.

Honestly, I kinda got lazy to do it. I had the Hello Panda ready to be shaken but then I remembered how much nicer Hello Pandas tasted when you popped it into the fridge and ate it while the cream inside was solid-ish. So that’s what I did and now I have no Hello Panda, I’m too lazy to go down to the mart to buy another and I’m busy studying for exams.

Now look where my procrastination and stomach has gotten me.

So I apologize to my future self for being such a lazy piece of shit because now we will never know if it’s possible to shake Hello Panda till it turns into a ball. I’m sorry.

Let’s just hope there’s still Hello Panda when I’m 30, alone and bored or something. I mean, there’s still white rabbit sweets now. OMG. Don’t jinx it!

OKAY, MOVING ON. Now everyone knows how long this post has been in my drafts.

Wish me all the best for my exams because I’m really nervous over it.

Will she get off the stupid list?
Cherie

DNSEA: 70Cap

Waddap everyone.

You know, for someone who claims to be obsessed with her blog, I haven’t been paying as much attention to it as much as I am obliged to be. But I have a should be good enough reason as to why I haven’t been around much.

After months and months of waiting, DNSEA had finally released the level 70 cap! I’m extremely excited to nest again and hit my level cap again but not so excited for the lag.

THE RANT:

If you’ve been keeping up, you’d realize by now that I’m a PVP player. This makes my existance in the PVE world significantly irrelevant.

FIRSTLY, what is up with the talisman system? What’s the best? I only see blue boarder talismans selling in the trading house and I have no idea how to equip them. Apparently at different slots you get different percentages of stat boost but the talisman seems to be equipped into a slot by default.

Will be needing a lot of help optimising the talisman system on my main. Someone care to explain?

SECONDLY, what is fellowship heraldry? I get it, another way to stat boost. Also means a lot more heraldry to buy when I re-gear at level 70. !@#$

THIRDLY, what the fuuuuuuck is ‘old’ and ‘new’ equipment? It’s frustrating when I tab to open my equipment and see ‘Old’ in red brackets under my equipment. I worked hard for that EQ so please, DN, don’t tell me it was so last season. It hurts, okay.

I kid. So DNSEA is turning into miniature Diablo III where you can add gems to your equipment to give it extra stats. Personally I find there things redundant, if only they didn’t make the dragon raids too fracking OP. 

LASTLY, you can say I’m whining for this one, but leveling now is excruciating. Yes, it could be because I have no time right now (or because I actually have a life) but not only are the dungeons giving us shit EXP per run, the monsters are like tanks.

I’m talking about having to attack a bat twice before it actually dies. Sure, I was playing in master mode at level 61 but oh my God, the most I should be doing is using mana on it once. Kicks don’t do shit now.

I also got killed by an NPC tree guardian on master mode. I’m so friggin’ pissed.

I’m currently stuck at level 62 now. I’m aiming to hit my cap before the month ends. At the rate I go I should be able to make it.

Why so chiong?

Because if you hit level cap by 11 March, you get a free skill reset and DN knows I need one bad.

Of course, leveling is going to be an uphill task as I battle to fend off Valentine’s dates and concentrate on studying for my mains (yeap, it’s that time again). I’m also trying not to spend money on the game.

Keyword: Trying.

So far I’ve spent $50 on altea boxes and changing my hairstyle and color. Let’s just say the onlu good thing that came from the money spent was my hairstyle and color. FML.

It’s a good thing the new sets are so ugly. Seriously, for 42bucks you think they’d at least throw in a skill. But no. I try on the costume and the first thing I’m think is ‘Why do I look like a roach.’

image
Anyway, I was trying for the dragon mount because it can fly. Like off the ground in the air kind of thing. Because the revamped Saint Haven is huge and confusing as f-. The lag doesn’t help either, seeing that NPCS don’t load in time for you to actually locate them and when you finally locate them, they flicker. Meaning you can’t even click them for a while.

In the hall of fame, there were already level 70s running around with dragon mounts some 9-10hours after the patch came out. At that point of time I was still in school, so no competition there.

I salute them, really. I could never go through so much grinding and not have my brain melt to mush. BRAINOFSTEEL

Allllso, my guild made it to 4th tier. I’m not really sure what that’s supposed to mean but I’m guessing it’s not too bad? We missed 5th by a few points though ):

It probably has something to do with crafting desert dragon equipment because that’s what I found in my mailbox first thing when I logged on on the 11th.

Alright, I’m off to School now. Trying my best to concentrate on my subjects, wish me luck.

Wishing everyone a Happy Valentine’s Day whether they have a date or not. I’ll be dating DN and my books this year.

Cherie

Offline

Sometimes I turn off my 3g and data because I need a breather. No, not because I’m popular and that everyone wants a piece of me, but because always being online is so… stressful.

I don’t want to be so reachable. So convenient. Text me and I have to text back in minutes and if I see the message on whatsapp? Even worst.

I turn off my my data because sometimes I accidentally hurt feelings. Last seens, lagged texts and pesky group chats.

I don’t like it when I have to constantly try not to send mixed signals to my friends the older I get.

I don’t like it that I have to hold my tongue and ‘act like a normal functioning human being’ just because I’m turning 20 this year and 21 the next.

I don’t want to be the role model but it’s not like you can ask people not to look at you a certain way.

I just really, really want to be ME sometimes, even if it’s going to be just a plain jane sitting in a bus watching the world rush by.

It’s not that I don’t want to be the little girl daddy is proud of. I do.

It’s not that I don’t want to be a somebody that my family can boast of. I do.

But these implications, these expectations. They don’t tell me but still I feel them. I feel them like media scrutiny on a celebrity’s waist line or an ant under a magnifying glass.

I’m not anti-social. Hell, I’d die without company, really. I don’t always push people away, I don’t feel good doing so anyway.

But everyone needs time by themselves. Some go to the beach or for long walks.

I just need sometime offline.

Call me old fashioned


I’m not saying I don’t find anyone good looking -alot of people are. It’s just that sometimes some people look more ‘whole’ to me, you know? Not just for eyecandy but for seriously dating, marrying and raising a family with.

So slap me and say I have a ‘type’ and that my ‘if I like you then I like you’ statements are total bullshit but there is nothing wrong with wanting to settle down -young or not- with someone who makes me feel physically and mentally safe.

People like that don’t come easy and I’ll wait as long as I can till I find one.

Just give me time.