Offline

Sometimes I turn off my 3g and data because I need a breather. No, not because I’m popular and that everyone wants a piece of me, but because always being online is so… stressful.

I don’t want to be so reachable. So convenient. Text me and I have to text back in minutes and if I see the message on whatsapp? Even worst.

I turn off my my data because sometimes I accidentally hurt feelings. Last seens, lagged texts and pesky group chats.

I don’t like it when I have to constantly try not to send mixed signals to my friends the older I get.

I don’t like it that I have to hold my tongue and ‘act like a normal functioning human being’ just because I’m turning 20 this year and 21 the next.

I don’t want to be the role model but it’s not like you can ask people not to look at you a certain way.

I just really, really want to be ME sometimes, even if it’s going to be just a plain jane sitting in a bus watching the world rush by.

It’s not that I don’t want to be the little girl daddy is proud of. I do.

It’s not that I don’t want to be a somebody that my family can boast of. I do.

But these implications, these expectations. They don’t tell me but still I feel them. I feel them like media scrutiny on a celebrity’s waist line or an ant under a magnifying glass.

I’m not anti-social. Hell, I’d die without company, really. I don’t always push people away, I don’t feel good doing so anyway.

But everyone needs time by themselves. Some go to the beach or for long walks.

I just need sometime offline.

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