Emotions are such an absolute load of bull.
Really sorry about not updating for so long. I have pictures uploaded in drafts to write about but haven’t been feeling too up for it.
Trust me, I’m as pissed off about my catastrophic mood swings as you (or anyone who actually bothers to read what I write) are.
It all started one fine Chinese New Year, que a gif of me screaming ‘NEW YEAR, NEW ME, RIGHT?’ right here.
Well I also forgot to factor in new pain.
If you asked my best buds to describe me in a few words it would probably be happy, mortally depressed and too curious for her own good. I would say coffee but then I could also say…
Moving on, in a span of just one month I had managed to feel again (something I’m not sure if I should laugh or cry about) and then proceeded to emotional die.
A few times.
And how I wish I actually stayed dead.
The logic as to how and why I did that to myself? I’m almost too embarrassed to say so. In fact, I’m so ashamed that I hope future me forgets we even had this blunder.
But I doubt she would. It’s probably going to come back to haunt her when she’s still sad and alone in bed a few years down the road.
I can picture it now. Quiet night, maybe 3am when she opens her eyes and go ‘Oh my God, why’.
So I’ll just come out and say it. I liked someone. I say ‘like’ in past tense because I’m not quite sure if anything is going to happen relationship wise or if grammer Nazis from the future would hunt me down when I somehow become famous for something I hope I can live down.
Is liking someone supposed to be this torturous? Because by God, the feeling sucks and I’ve been trying to get rid of or at least live with it for the last month without admitting that my current situation looks everything like unrequited lo-
Oh my God, I can’t say it. Next point please.
How I managed to emotionally die (a few times):
Of course that would be one of the first things I tried. It’s so cliché all over the internet that you would at least think it would work for a few people, right?
Well it doesn’t. All I was left with was an empty wallet and migraines that lead to my discovery of Panadol Extras. Something I forsee becoming very… important to me.
Either way, I crossed beer and alcohol off the list really quick. There’s only social drinking for me.
Also known an ‘attempting to work myself to death’, ‘drowning myself in work’, etc.
NOT to be confused with when I tried my banking job. That was such blatant stupidity in itself, I hope I never have to go through it again.
Just for the month of March, I’d worked weeks without a day’s rest or sustantial social life so much, it was starting to stress me out. Which wouldn’t be too horrible if I’d been able to use this stress to override the feelings of *cough* liking someone *cough*.
But no, it stays on like a stain in my heart and it hurts. I can’t even write poetry to relieve the pain.
I blame the logical side of my brain in this one. If only ‘sensitive and all feels’ Cherie would just get the hell out of the way, we’d have much lesser problems. So stupid.
Anti-depressants. I finally tried it again in a long time, just to test it out but failed in epic proportions because:
i) I have side effects that can perpetually turn my day/life upsidedown. I’m supposed to be taking them long term before they actually sort of dull down.
ii) I say alot of stupid clingy things when I’m on prozac, refer to point i.
iii) What prozac does is that it makes you really sleepy so that you stop thinking (they lie, btw) and I decided to take it during my first long week of event work. Fucking genius.
iv) Fatigued from Prozac and still working, I got bad migraines so I popped a Panadol Extra. Didn’t turn out well.
v) Don’t try it with coffee.
vi) Or coffee AND panadol extra.
vii) Just coffee and panadol, however…
4) Panadol extra + Coffee (or generally anything with caffeine)
How many Panadols can a normal-pharmacitically-not-immune-to-anything person have before it’s considered an OD?
The answer is 8 but seeing that I’m spamming panadol extras, I’m not too sure of the number anymore. How much more is in a Panadol ‘extra’? An extra half dose? So I guess that puts my limit at 4 to 5 Panadol extras…?
The whole sugar or caffeine thing is just to chase the paracetamol effect in theory, very much like Prozac with alcohol. I’ve been trying to test everything out without mortally endangering my life but it seems to get harder each day especially since I only recently started a 9day long event spree filled with screaming kids and… happy families.
To be honest, I think the whole 4 to 5 panadol limit I imposed on myself is a tad farfetched, since the medication seems to wear off every three hours or so and I’m practically forced to stack pills or crash from the caffeine. Not to mention how the screaming of little children starts making my eye twitch the moment the drug wears thin.
All in all, this experiment caved in on itself almost immediately, although I did give it a few days just in case. On the plus side, it makes me way too tired to think or feel anything, making this method the much cheaper and efficient alternative as compared to Prozac. So it’s something to keep in mind, except it may potentially kill me if I’m not careful -or lose count.
5) Emotional layering
This experiment was entirely based on some warped theory I had whereby ‘if something hurts and you can’t take it, fall back onto something that logically hurt you more from what you can still remember’.
This theory applies to my cutting phase(?) as well, in case anyone is wondering.
Anyway, I utterly refused to cut for anyone but him or my own mental stability so I resorted to the next worst best thing, my past. Ah, the warmth of melodramatic depression I’m so familiar with.
Or so I thought.
It started out fine -even worked for awhile, before I got too utterly dragged into everything that the temptation of messaging him on Facebook almost got me.
What happened next was such absolute fuckery that I am so thankful my BFF called me back when I texted him at two in the morning while he was watching a movie with his girlfriend at home. His girlfriend was also so accepting, God bless her soul. *Sprinkles fairy dust on the pair* Please stay in my life longer, I need people like you around.
THE GOOD NEWS IS, I’m fine now. By fine I mean back to not liking anyone that’s actually physically accessible to me.
That’s right! I’m not sick with feelings anymore! Except I do get the slightest urge to pop a panadol for no reason at all but that’s better than cutting, right? So I’ll count that as a step in the right-ish direction.
THE BAD NEWS IS, I’m still barely half way through the shit-ton of event work I signed myself up for while I was trying point two out. Hell, I’m still neck deep and panadols are pretty much a must at this point.
Also, since I tried everything on my hastily put together list, I’m not sure what did it for me so I guess life from now is still going to be one huge trail and error on top of this listopia I have going on.
Adding to my mountain of issues I have been juggling emotionally, emotional layering kind of screwed me up a little deeper than I expected and now I’m not too sure how I’m going to start liking anyone else again. Not that I’m in a hurry anyway, it’s a good thing.
I’m sort of hoping fate will let me off for at least 6 months before it throws another shit storm at me. I really need to concentrate on my 5 year plan, though I kind of expect many more of these occurrences this year. Much to my dismay and probable misfortune.
Besides the emotional ‘I don’t know what the fuck I just went through’, I guess another downer would be how I would most definitely be haunted by all the things I’d said to him (the guy I liked). I didn’t say alot but I did say a significant amount of things that are so cringe worthy my poor panadol infused brain is too handicapped to scrape around for. Bless it’s grey matter atomic make up, because it tried so hard the past month, and that includes torturing me by having me torture myself.
Oh, and I missed J-Obsession this year because I didn’t plan for it. Dammit.
Alas, my eyes have been once again opened to the real world. I have new things I want to do and a new drive. Life it going to start looking up whether it wants to or not.
If anything, I’ll just panadol that shit.
I’ll end my update here. I hope you were as amused and entertained as I was writing about it and remember kids, stay in school and uh… don’t do drugs.
Serial pill-popper out.