Hello from the cafe. As you can tell, I’m extremely tired. So tired, I’m unable to self entertain.
Like the title says, life has been rather bleak. It’s not as if alot of bad things are happening, no. More like nothing is.
Nothing happens in the shop, nothing happens in my life -I don’t even want to talk about my love life. I’m just too damn conflicted in that area.
I guess I’m pretty much burned out. I haven’t had much time to sit down by myself and think about what I’m doing. I try to do so in the cafe but I’m too afraid of going screensaver in front of my bosses and bar crew.
Life conflictions wise, I feel like I’m back in 2014 where nothing is happening. I’m just here (in the cafe),
doing absolutely nothing working, waiting for my life to pass me by. It feels fucking unproductive and it’s killing me.
I honestly feel like I’m wasting my time but I can’t think of anything else to do. No other job feels right for me, which probably means I’m finally in the right place at the right time. I have no conflicting love interests (although I often miss Ren, but whatever) so emotionally I think I’m pretty stable. Logically put, I’m perfectly fine. I’m living exactly how I want to; my fate is my own
So why do I still feel so bloody restless and uncontented?
Is it because my cafe repeats the same flipping playlist of 198 songs twice a day?
Is it because I’m not drinking enough coffee? Am I drinking too much coffee?
Do I want to go to University?
Like deep deep deep deep deep down.
Do I need to get laid or something?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m having the greatest time ever in the cafe. My Bosses are great. I get along with all my part timers. I’m saving so much money by eating at the cafe all the time.
But why am I still so sad?
Perhaps it is because I had that one thought at 3am where I managed to convince myself that life after school or life in general, has been doomed to eternal monotony.
This is especially so since I never really saw a bright future for myself from high school and up. My life hasn’t exactly been pleasant you see, the only ‘magic’ being things that I can’t seem to explain or understand. So yes, math was pretty damn magical. Chinese too.
Back to the point, I always thought I was brought into the world to simply exist. Life was/is rather black and white for me. Whatever my family wanted from me, I did. If there were problems for me at home, I fixed it. If I needed to fix myself, I did. Many times. Life was yes or no, right or wrong.
But now things are relatively quiet. I feel like I’m not needed. I feel like I’m just… there. I earn my own money, I contribute to the house, I help with the expenses. Slowly, I have come to realize that all the years of me thinking I had been a great use to my family, I had only been a tool.
An outlet for my mother. A filial daughter to my father. A sister, an aunt, a companion, a message board for all secrets and whatnot.
But again I say, life has been quiet. By a miraculous turn of events, everything is fine. I no longer hear the woes of my mother while my niece keeps the house lively. My family is going through a golden age, everything is well, there is nothing to be fixed. My service is over. I now exist as I am and it appears that I have –
I try so hard to pave my own path. I grovel and claw my way through dirt and hardship, planning my future like I have one.
Fake it till you make it.
Practically, it’s fantastic to know that I have a direction in life. That optimistically enough, I can finally stir my own life in the direction I want.
But my lifeship is empty and many times, I feel like I have no enough energy to steer the wheel; no choice but to drop anchor than risk drifting off course.
So here I am, staring into this cursed horizon of mine. So vast, so endless, so… bleak. I’m lucky enough it doesn’t echo on and on about how lonely I truly am.
I’m stuck in the locomotion of monotony. An endless cycle of working myself to the bone day after day in hopes of climbing to the next tier, only to repeat the same thing. The grind is grueling and the mere thought of it fills me with dread. Is this really the life everyone grows to have?
Or has my ship already been steered wrong by the stagnant compass I call my heart.