I am kept up tonight. Perhaps it is because of what I did this afternoon. I can’t quite put a finger on why I did it. Yet I do not regret it.
I am kept up tonight. Thinking, hoping I can somehow write these feelings away. I had broken the ultimatum. There is no love in what I have, only logical and strategic thinking.
I am kept up tonight because, I didn’t kiss him back today. No, I didn’t want to kiss him. It felt wrong. I felt unsure. It wasn’t what I wanted because I felt nothing.
I’m still up tonight. He’s sleeping a bed below me because I told him I wanted space. He doesn’t deserve this. This flickermindedness. He tells me he loves me everyday yet, I can barely murmur it to him. I’m tired of putting up a show. But to let go means to have nothing to hold on to.
I am up tonight because guilt is keeping me awake. How I wish I can tell him, I don’t think this is working out. It’s not you, it’s me. Please don’t fight for me. I wanted to make this work but we’re too different.
I’m up tonight because I’m thinking. Maybe relationships just aren’t for me. I’m thinking, maybe I don’t want to be in one because I lose interest easily. Because I’ll only let people down, what’s the point?
I’m up tonight because I am weak. I am afraid of what people will say. Even when I should not be so easily affected, it’s harder not to be when it’s obviously your fault. I am afraid of what my family will think. I am afraid of what my friends will say. Perhaps they’ve already expected it as I had predicted when I started it all. But will they expect my next move? After all, I have yet to tell anyone.
I am kept up tonight because this is the fault I had predicted. I just never imagined it to be so hard to… break off. Yes… perhaps those are the words I’ve been looking for. To break off, end things, cut loose… be alone.
I am up tonight because I wonder if this feeling will go away by tomorrow. And I will be able to live with my current situation. Ignorantly; blissfully. I wonder if it’s just all in my head.
I’m still up. Because I’ve never been so unsure of myself. To feel so unguided without even being misled. Am I okay with being just ‘okay’? Not good nor bad. Just… stagnant. Or am I just craving the grass that seems greener on the other side?
It’s barely been two months and things just aren’t going right. Everything has been quite a downer. I’ve been missing someone I shouldn’t be at this moment and the reason I’ve been holding myself back is because of what everyone else thinks.
With the most logical and emotionless state of mind, I’d thrown myself into an empty relationship. There, I’d said it. I was happy with the peace for awhile, it allowed me time to think. I guess all the thinking had finally brought me full circle to back where I started, just with a clearer mind. It’s funny how emotions make you do stupid things.
I know exactly what I want to hear. But to whom should I go to this time for such comfort? Who will still be there to entertain my heart’s ridiculous demands for what it wants? It wants this, it wants that, if not it will kill itself and take me with it. How many people will it hurt in the process? How many will I allow it to before I cannot take it either? I’m constantly fighting my heart, for years I have been. And honestly, I’m getting so tired.
I am determined to give him a proper break up. No texts or anything like that. I’ll start him off with the good old ‘We need to talk.’ line just to brace him for it. I’ll tell him I’ve been thinking alot about where this relationship is going. Where I want to head. What he wants to do eventually. Of course, I know the answers to all those questions. I will tell him my need for intellectual conversation. That I am growing tired of small talk. So tired it’s driving me insane. I’ll tell him, it’s not you it’s me. I don’t fit him so neither does he. I won’t ask him to stay friends. Everyone knows how that works out.
I’ll have to tell him that love is not enough, although I’m not sure he will understand it. I have to tell him that what we have is not love and because it isn’t, it will not hurt when I leave him. What we have is just mutual understanding that both of us were alone at the right time and only that time.
And break his heart if I must, I will tell him I cannot forget him. That I still miss him and wonder how he is doing. And I miss the conversations we had and whatnot. I wonder how he will react? Since… he barely does. Such a stark contrast between the two of them it is so. Maybe he would have expected it. Maybe he is simply waiting for me to say it.
Then again, I hope he gets mad. I hope he gets so mad he takes everything and leaves my life never to talk to me again. Oh I hope he doesn’t beg. My heart is too soft to stand it.
So what do I do? Oh Lord, count this as one of my most sincere prayers, will you not? I am lost so.