When he made me cry so hard, I ended up puking my dinner out, still hacking and coughing, almost as if my still beating heart would emerge from within the rancid mess.
When I Googled my problems looking for anything or anyone to please help me. Because everything felt like it was slipping away like sand through my fingers.
When I couldn’t sleep and I’m up writing this at 4 in the morning because I’m hurting so much, I wish my heart would stop beating.
When I sat next to boys who fancy me and I don’t even bother because I felt like I was living a lie.
When he made me feel doubly mad at human beings in general because I felt like my world wasn’t present anymore and everything was spinning out of control.
When I would willingly break myself just to be whatever he wanted me to be.
(And he didn’t even stay to make sure the fragments healed right)
That was not love.
I needed someone to call home
All the ones I found were not mine to own.
You were all alone
Worked to the bone.
Somehow we ticked in perfect metronome.
I’m lying next to you staring into your eyes; we aren’t saying anything, just lying there with each other. They say the eyes are the windows the soul. I see hues of brown and warmth swirl in them as I catch a glimpse of myself peering back. I look away, not because I cannot stand the sight of your eyes of which I could get lost in forever, but because I couldn’t stop seeing a frightened girl who didn’t know what love is, reflected in them.
You’re playing with my hair, brushing it away from my face as I continue to stare up at you in wonder. I still cannot believe a person like you exists. I can hardly fathom why someone like you would pick someone like me. Your eyes regard mine with such adoration I can barely hold their gaze. They blink once; twice. We haven’t said a word yet somehow you already know as you lean forward to plant a kiss on my forehead.
‘You deserve this. You deserve so much more.’ You held me steady. Grounded me. Made sure I was conscious enough to comprehend exactly what you meant.
And I must thank you, because even as the notion terrifies me to no end- for the first time in my life I was able to believe that I was worthy.
I tell them I want to die.
They tell me I’m stronger than that.
Carrot and stick.
You are too careless with
your words set in
stone you end up building a wall between us.
I am too careful with my words I
think everything through before I
say nothing at all.