(: 

I love feeding people, but I love feeding you most. 

I love spending money, but only on you. 

You’re the cutest when you’ve eaten too much and though you may get grumpy once in a while, I love you all the same. 

X

你,好不好?-周興哲

是不是 還那麼愛遲到
Shi bu shi hai na me ai chi dao
熬夜工作又睡不好
Ao ye gong zuo you shui bu hao
等你 完成你的目標
Deng ni wan cheng ni de mu biao
要戒掉逞強的嗜好
Yao jie diao cheng qiang de shi hao

都怪我 把自尊放太高
Dou guai wo bai zi zun fang tai gao
沒有把你照顧好
Mei you ba ni zhao gu hao
驕傲 是脆弱的外表
Jiao ao shi cui ruo de wai biao
最怕我的心你不要
Zui pa wo de xin ni bu yao

能不能繼續 對我哭 對我笑 對我好
Neng bu neng ji xu dui wo ku dui wo xiao dui wo hao
繼續讓我 為你想 為你瘋 陪你老
Ji xu rang wo wei ni xiang wei ni feng pei ni lao
你好不好 好想知道
Ni hao bu hao hao xiang zhi dao
別急著把回憶都丟掉
Bie ji zhe ba hui yi du diu diao

我只需要你 在身邊 陪我吵 陪我鬧
Wo zhi xu yao ni zai shen bian pei wo chao pei wo nao
用好的我 把過去 壞的我 都換掉
Yong hao de wo ba guo qu huai de wo dou huan diao
好想聽到 你堅決說愛我
Hao xiang ting dao ni jian jue shuo ai wo
可惜回不去那一秒
Ke xi hui bu qu na yi miao
你好不好?
Ni hao bu hao

天知道 我快要受不了
Tian zhi dao wo kuai yao shou bu liao
後悔鑽進心裡燒
Hou hui zuan jin xin li shao
擁抱 再多一次就好
Yong bao zai duo yi ci jiu hao
你要的我都做得到
Ni yao de wo dou zuo de dao

能不能繼續 對我哭 對我笑 對我好
Neng bu neng ji xu dui wo ku dui wo xiao dui wo hao
繼續讓我 為你想 為你瘋 陪你老
Ji xu rang wo wei ni xiang wei ni feng pei ni lao
給你的好 還要不要
Gei ni de hao hai yao bu yao
答案我卻不敢揭曉
Da an wo que bu gan jie xiao

*
我只需要你 在身邊 陪我吵 陪我鬧
Wo zhi xu yao ni zai shen bian pei wo chao pei wo nao
別用離開教我 失去的人最重要
Bie yong li kai jiao wo shi qu de ren zui chong yao
別說 你曾經愛過我
Bie shuo ni ceng jing ai guo wo
讓我們回到那一秒
Rang wo men hui dao na yi miao
你好不好
Ni hao bu hao

能不能繼續 對我哭 對我笑 對我好
Neng bu neng ji xu dui wo ku dui wo xiao dui wo hao
繼續讓我 為你想 為你瘋 陪你老
Ji xu rang wo wei ni xiang wei ni feng pei ni lao
你好不好 我好想知道
Ni hao bu hao wo hao xiang zhi dao
別急著把我的愛丟掉
Bie ji zhe ba wo de ai diu diao

Prayer

I am kept up tonight. Perhaps it is because of what I did this afternoon. I can’t quite put a finger on why I did it. Yet I do not regret it. 

I am kept up tonight. Thinking, hoping I can somehow write these feelings away. I had broken the ultimatum. There is no love in what I have, only logical and strategic thinking. 

I am kept up tonight because, I didn’t kiss him back today. No, I didn’t want to kiss him. It felt wrong. I felt unsure. It wasn’t what I wanted because I felt nothing.

I’m still up tonight. He’s sleeping a bed below me because I told him I wanted space. He doesn’t deserve this. This flickermindedness. He tells me he loves me everyday yet, I can barely murmur it to him. I’m tired of putting up a show. But to let go means to have nothing to hold on to.

I am up tonight because guilt is keeping me awake. How I wish I can tell him, I don’t think this is working out. It’s not you, it’s me. Please don’t fight for me. I wanted to make this work but we’re too different.

I’m up tonight because I’m thinking. Maybe relationships just aren’t for me. I’m thinking, maybe I don’t want to be in one because I lose interest easily. Because I’ll only let people down, what’s the point? 

I’m up tonight because I am weak. I am afraid of what people will say. Even when I should not be so easily affected, it’s harder not to be when it’s obviously your fault. I am afraid of what my family will think. I am afraid of what my friends will say. Perhaps they’ve already expected it as I had predicted when I started it all. But will they expect my next move? After all, I have yet to tell anyone. 

I am kept up tonight because this is the fault I had predicted. I just never imagined it to be so hard to… break off. Yes… perhaps those are the words I’ve been looking for. To break off, end things, cut loose… be alone. 

I am up tonight because I wonder if this feeling will go away by tomorrow. And I will be able to live with my current situation. Ignorantly; blissfully. I wonder if it’s just all in my head. 

I’m still up. Because I’ve never been so unsure of myself. To feel so unguided without even being misled. Am I okay with being just ‘okay’? Not good nor bad. Just… stagnant. Or am I just craving the grass that seems greener on the other side?

It’s barely been two months and things just aren’t going right. Everything has been quite a downer. I’ve been missing someone I shouldn’t be at this moment and the reason I’ve been holding myself back is because of what everyone else thinks. 

With the most logical and emotionless state of mind, I’d thrown myself into an empty relationship. There, I’d said it. I was happy with the peace for awhile, it allowed me time to think. I guess all the thinking had finally brought me full circle to back where I started, just with a clearer mind. It’s funny how emotions make you do stupid things. 

I know exactly what I want to hear. But to whom should I go to this time for such comfort? Who will still be there to entertain my heart’s ridiculous demands for what it wants? It wants this, it wants that, if not it will kill itself and take me with it. How many people will it hurt in the process? How many will I allow it to before I cannot take it either? I’m constantly fighting my heart, for years I have been. And honestly, I’m getting so tired. 

I am determined to give him a proper break up. No texts or anything like that. I’ll start him off with the good old ‘We need to talk.’ line just to brace him for it. I’ll tell him I’ve been thinking alot about where this relationship is going. Where I want to head. What he wants to do eventually. Of course, I know the answers to all those questions. I will tell him my need for intellectual conversation. That I am growing tired of small talk. So tired it’s driving me insane. I’ll tell him, it’s not you it’s me. I don’t fit him so neither does he. I won’t ask him to stay friends. Everyone knows how that works out. 

I’ll have to tell him that love is not enough, although I’m not sure he will understand it. I have to tell him that what we have is not love and because it isn’t, it will not hurt when I leave him. What we have is just mutual understanding that both of us were alone at the right time and only that time.

And break his heart if I must, I will tell him I cannot forget him. That I still miss him and wonder how he is doing. And I miss the conversations we had and whatnot. I wonder how he will react? Since… he barely does. Such a stark contrast between the two of them it is so. Maybe he would have expected it. Maybe he is simply waiting for me to say it. 

Then again, I hope he gets mad. I hope he gets so mad he takes everything and leaves my life never to talk to me again. Oh I hope he doesn’t beg. My heart is too soft to stand it. 

So what do I do? Oh Lord, count this as one of my most sincere prayers, will you not?  I am lost so. 

X

Sobering up

Howdy,

It’s been awhile since I actually posted something here that wasn’t written in poetry and prose. You’d think that with this post, I’ll finally revert to posting in proper sentences but you know what?

Nah.

It’s only going to get sappier from here so brace yourselves (for maybe the rest of the month and the next). The past week had been one of soul searching, or at least searching through my phone and frequent bouts of putting together drunken slurs that happen to rhyme. In my notes I’d found quite afew poems I’d written over the year but never had the time or guts to post up, mainly because reading back on them, I didn’t know how to explain them. Sure, I knew exactly how I felt back then from just re-reading them. But to piece them all together and have to figure out how everything changed and bounced around so quickly? Sorry, not a clue. Perhaps I should show them to my psychiatrist and see what she can make out of it.

Alas, I am jobless for now. How long? Beats me. The boredom is killing me over here, not that my procrastination is doing me any favors either.

Sigh

It’s been a whirlwind. That would be the understatement of the year. My inner self has been screaming and running around in circles so much, I’m quite sure she’s about to collapse from exhaustion. All in all, it seems that my life is one huge balancing act and I’m horrible at it.

By horrible, I mean I’d made too many mistakes. For someone who’s motto is ‘No regrets’ and ‘Only do things that make you happy’, I’d been doing a shit job.Literally.

Besides practically not living for myself majority of the year and prioritizing the wrong people at the wrong times over the dumbest matters and letting it drag on for so long had made me an extremely sad human being. Oh yes, don’t forget stupid. Formulated reasoning as follows:

(Not living for self) (365 days)(Prioritizing the wrong people ^nth days) +(Dumb matter) (n^2 days) What the fuck are you even doing Cherie.

I’m trying to revert back to my save points now, back to a time I felt more peaceful and… safe in my own head. It’s a tricky thing to do, I hope that one day I’ll be able to pen/type it out here somewhere. For now, my mind is pretty blank. I’m searching for material things that will make me happy (human beings not included in this list) and doing anything within my financial means to get there.

For now all I have are my jumbled words and sad songs for you guys lined up.

In case anyone would like to take offence (I can’t believe I actually have to do a disclaimer for this), all my poems here on till my next coherent/non poetry related post are queued. So jump to no conclusions, my friends, and let me vent and document my life here.

x

IMAHORRIBLEPERSON #2

I smoke because I associate it with happier memories. When I started I had good conversations and company. I want to remember it, yet stick after stick my memories only become fainter.

I hate my medication because I started it at the worst time of my life, when I had no other choice but to take it. I told myself I took it because I didn’t want to kill myself when in reality I’d already died many times over.

I cut myself because it reminds me of familiar pain; A pain I know how to cope with. And it doesn’t matter how many white welts trace where I tried to bleed my lips blue, it gave me a peace of mind and that was all I needed at that point.

I’m a liar and I wouldn’t advise anyone on trusting me. But one thing I can never cover up is that, I’m a terrible, terrible person. I’m fucked up and I have all these bad habits coupled with warped and twisted ideas – I understand if no one can ever love me.

You, espicially you. Please don’t love me. You must not love someone, who doesn’t not even know how to love herself.