Bleak abyss

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Hello from the cafe. As you can tell, I’m extremely tired. So tired, I’m unable to self entertain.

Like the title says, life has been rather bleak. It’s not as if alot of bad things are happening, no. More like nothing is.

Nothing happens in the shop, nothing happens in my life -I don’t even want to talk about my love life. I’m just too damn conflicted in that area.

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I guess I’m pretty much burned out. I haven’t had much time to sit down by myself and think about what I’m doing. I try to do so in the cafe but I’m too afraid of going screensaver in front of my bosses and bar crew.

Life conflictions wise, I feel like I’m back in 2014 where nothing is happening. I’m just here (in the cafe), doing absolutely nothing working, waiting for my life to pass me by. It feels fucking unproductive and it’s killing me.

I honestly feel like I’m wasting my time but I can’t think of anything else to do. No other job feels right for me, which probably means I’m finally in the right place at the right time. I have no conflicting love interests (although I often miss Ren, but whatever) so emotionally I think I’m pretty stable. Logically put, I’m perfectly fine. I’m living exactly how I want to; my fate is my own

So why do I still feel so bloody restless and uncontented?

Is it because my cafe repeats the same flipping playlist of 198 songs twice a day?

Is it because I’m not drinking enough coffee? Am I drinking too much coffee?

Do I want to go to University? Like deep deep deep deep deep down.

Do I need to get laid or something?

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Don’t get me wrong, I’m having the greatest time ever in the cafe. My Bosses are great. I get along with all my part timers. I’m saving so much money by eating at the cafe all the time.

But why am I still so sad?

Perhaps it is because I had that one thought at 3am where I managed to convince myself that life after school or life in general, has been doomed to eternal monotony.

This is especially so since I never really saw a bright future for myself from high school and up. My life hasn’t exactly been pleasant you see, the only ‘magic’ being things that I can’t seem to explain or understand. So yes, math was pretty damn magical. Chinese too.

Back to the point, I always thought I was brought into the world to simply exist. Life was/is rather black and white for me. Whatever my family wanted from me, I did. If there were problems for me at home, I fixed it. If I needed to fix myself, I did. Many times. Life was yes or no, right or wrong.

But now things are relatively quiet. I feel like I’m not needed. I feel like I’m just… there. I earn my own money, I contribute to the house, I help with the expenses. Slowly, I have come to realize that all the years of me thinking I had been a great use to my family, I had only been a tool.

An outlet for my mother. A filial daughter to my father. A sister, an aunt, a companion, a message board for all secrets and whatnot.

But again I say, life has been quiet. By a miraculous turn of events, everything is fine. I no longer hear the woes of my mother while my niece keeps the house lively. My family is going through a golden age, everything is well, there is nothing to be fixed. My service is over. I now exist as I am and it appears that I have –

No one.

I try so hard to pave my own path. I grovel and claw my way through dirt and hardship, planning my future like I have one. Fake it till you make it.
Practically, it’s fantastic to know that I have a direction in life. That optimistically enough, I can finally stir my own life in the direction I want.

But my lifeship is empty and many times, I feel like I have no enough energy to steer the wheel; no choice but to drop anchor than risk drifting off course.

So here I am, staring into this cursed horizon of mine. So vast, so endless, so… bleak. I’m lucky enough it doesn’t echo on and on about how lonely I truly am.

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I’m stuck in the locomotion of monotony. An endless cycle of working myself to the bone day after day in hopes of climbing to the next tier, only to repeat the same thing. The grind is grueling and the mere thought of it fills me with dread. Is this really the life everyone grows to have?

Or has my ship already been steered wrong by the stagnant compass I call my heart.

Flags and Checkpoints

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Hello hello from the train towards Farrer Park, Tamper&Co!

Life’s been rather peaceful over here, if not for a few pesky customers, one of which I am tempted to dedicate a post to. It probably isn’t the brightest idea, but I’ll  think thrice about it.

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Besides endless cleaning at the cafe thanks to my excessive sense of hygiene, I’ve been gifted reign over Tamper’s tip jar questions and instagram!
Do follow us at: @tamperandco
I promise the captions will be entertaining 😉

Moving on and talking about flags…

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I’m not sure if I’m cupid of something (that would be very sad) or if I’m hitting all the relationship flags.

Which is kind of ridiculous, since I’d just gotten out of my most recent boiling-over-with-cringe-worthy-instances relation-I-don’t-know-what-the-fuck-to-call-it.

Is this a sign? Am I about to meet the one? I really don’t know how to feel about that again, that is if I know how to feel again, especially since one of my friends is(?) going through his initial courting stage and it still looks as agnozing and I remember it to be.

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School or whatever is left to do with it wise, it seems like I’m finally graduating. Ah, what a formal way to be kicked out of school, eh? I’ll be graduating on 18 May, which isn’t too far away. All that’s left to do is to actually sign up for it by tomorrow. If I forget, I guess I wouldn’t be showing up to have my matriculation card formally confiscated. Which if you think about it, isn’t to bad.

Honestly, I’m pretty nervous for it (because I guess I should go). I wouldn’t know my classmate’s faces anymore (I couldn’t be bothered to remember) and I don’t know what to do during the day itself. Am I supposed to sit here? Do I get to listen to music? Which student portal do I enter? Am I actually graduating?

This is way too stressful. I didn’t take a module on how to graduate in poly. Do I really have to go back to school just to rent the gown? And 25bucks?!

I guess it’s this school’s last chance to rob me blind. Sigh.

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I broke fast very recently and have been in a pretty good mood since. Went out with fast buddy (now turned Nii-san) to have ramen and um, eat some more.

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Pardon how vain I really am, it’s just that thanks to my current job, I don’t get to gussy up very often. I wake up too damn early to bother.

And to all the readers who may like me just for my posted pictures, please don’t. It’s all make up. I think tagged photos on Facebook are more accurate. If you can find me on Facebook that is.

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While walking around China Square with Nii-san, we came across this board. Took a picture as reference to what I could do for the cafe.

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Ended off the day with PIEEE. Actually, we had ramen and went around looking for good pecan pie the rest of the day. Pretty much hiked from Farrer Park MRT to Windowsil Pies before I could sink my teeth into these sweet, sweet pies.

I really missed them. It just carries enough good memories for me to taste the happy on my tongue when I bite into them.

They did change their pecan pie to pumpkin pecan, which was surprisingly good too, except I was looking for something more sticky and sweet. Nonetheless, I would still go back for pumpkin pecan. It’s strangely… comforting. Now I know why grandmothers make pumpkin pie in books.

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Back at the cafe I’ve been practicing my milk frothing and pouring because my boss is thinking of sending me for coffee courses (YAYNESS).

Aside from that, I’ve started replaying this Line game called ‘Line: I Love Coffee’, where I run a virtual cafe. That being said, it’s a given that all my friends poked me about it. They say it isn’t counted as an off day if I’m still associating myself with coffee when I’m out and about. Hm.

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Speaking of off days, I wish I woke up like this. This picture wasn’t taken on an off day, more of just a short day at work.

I guess the good thing about working full time in F&B is the fact that every scheduled week is a surprise. The downside would probably be the fact that I work 6 days a week slaving away behind a bar. Not that it’s a bad thing, I actually like being behind the bar (Unless it’s a jail cell then I’d rather not). It’s actually quite fulfilling when you see yourself improve.

Anyway, the whole reason why I got that 4hour work day was probably because boss was getting me ready to work a really tiring week of back to back full shifts. You could say I was supposed to go home and rest up. But did I?

Of course not.

Instead, I went all the way out to town to slog away at building my 77dollar limited edition pink crystal (yes, I feel the need to justify myself) Tokyo Skytree for 7hours. Did I feel well rested? Maybe. I did, however, earn myself a ton of satisfaction and a stiff neck.

Ah blah. So today somewhat starts my so-called hell week where I have to push for sales everyday.

THEREFORE EVERYONE SHOULD VISIT ME.

Because poor me needs to make a living and practise on her form of art, okay?

I’ll see you guys around!
Cherie

Chapter Two

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In case no one knows, this is how my hair is now. It looks quite okay now, but this is after at least 15minutes of blow drying my fringe alone. Also, I look like my secondary school self. Something I’m not sure how to feel about.

Met a couple of my good poly friends today for dinner. Life really sucks when you’re vegan. I felt bad because I couldn’t eat majority of the things at Serangoon Garden, especially the two ice cream cafes there.
Note to self, get there earlier if you want seats at Chomp Chomp and eat all the ice cream you humanely can when you break fast, Cherie.

Eventually we sat down for prata and I had a jumbo sugarcane drink while we caught up with each other. Thanks to them, I remembered that my graduation ceremony is in May, only when they asked me because they wanted to come down.

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Seriously going to miss these guys. Meeting up has been hard since both are serving nation service now and it’s about to get harder because..

Tomorrow (or in a few hours) I’m starting a new full time job, this time in FnB. Yup, I’m finally putting myself out there again. Been sort of moody the past few days because of this since I see it as losing my freedom and possibly my soul to it. Bad experiences while working does this to you.

Hopefully it will be a job I can stay long on for experience!

Wish me luck!
Cherie

2014 Round Up

Life’s been cruel to me.

Not so much like 2012, where I was constantly sorting out family problems and mixed signals, or 2013 where I finally got my feelings sorted out and proceeded to lose everyone I ever cared about besides whoever I actually cared about in my family.

Wow. Would you look at that? Two years of my life summarized into one sentence.

But I don’t mean for this post to be dark or depressing. That is for another day; another post. This post is going to be just me, figuring out what the hell I’ve been up to this entire year. Let’s start things off with what I still remember.

#1 School
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Sad to say, the only few things I remember about school was constantly walking to and fro the concourse to buy ‘lok lok’ from the canteen. I didn’t even buy an assortment of them, I only ate the tofu cubes and choked on the soup later on.

And of course, how could I forget the countless coffees I had to pull me through 8am lessons, especially since my last semester just had to be the semester they removed the 15minutes grace rule and I wasn’t one to sleep early the night before. Ever.

2014 was the year I’d hated majority of my classmates. I only found out too late that people would still stab you in the back even when you were no where near the top tier of the class.
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Such passive aggressiveness has nearly cost me my time in my modules. I got a D. So I made sure they had one up their asses when they went through with their presentations as well. Ah. Closure.

#2 Work
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Or at least that’s how I thought it hit me.

I got a job literally as soon as I was done with school, in a sense that I was called down for an interview the minute I stepped out my last examination hall. I thought it was fate. Turns out the company just really needed people.

Let me tell you what it felt like. I felt like a fish flopping from a horrible drainage  piping into hot. fucking. oil. Oh yeah. Watch me sizzle. And sizzle I did.
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It wasn’t bad enough that I felt entirely out of place working in a bank. The training was bad enough, not that my colleagues were bad. Hell, if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t have gotten that far. Throughout my then 19 years of existence, I had never once pre-read to study for a test in my life. Not that I’m gifted (actually quite the opposite) but because I never had to. If I passed, that’s good. If I failed then… ‘Oh’.

But somehow it came to a point where failing and slight tardiness meant termination and the stress at that point was overwhelming. Not that I couldn’t take the pressure, no way, I liked to do things but I loved doing things well and I had many, many days I thought I was going to fall below my own expectations.
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Things didn’t start looking up when I started my actual job, so I quit.

I quit when I was still ahead (no major screw ups) and I quit when I still had what’s left of my sanity. God knows I was losing it in there.

#3 The Now
So here I am, doing absolutely nothing, which also explains why this blog has been a tad bit dead for a while.

Alright, alright, to be honest, I’ve been going out alot. Mainly because I owed everyone dates since I had no time for anyone or myself while I was working.
That’s right, at one point of my life, I had been an unintentional and unwilling workaholic.

So here everyone is, asking me what I’m going to do next. Whether I’m going to study a degree and of course the dreaded ‘Why not?’ before they launch into an entire lecture about not being able to survive in Singapore without getting at least a degree. To be honest, I don’t think anyone would be able to survive in Singapore especially since things are only to get more expensive in the future. Heck, you’d have more problems trying to pay off your study loan let alone a car, wedding or house. I’d rather start now.

Back to the topic of being painfully under-educated in Singapore, my answer would be
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I’ve always told myself that ‘I’ll cross that bridge when I get there’ and now it has come a time whereby I have somehow already crossed said bridge without even noticing it and am currently in this predicament of ‘Where the hell am I’ right next to this lake called ‘What the fuck to do I do next’ stranded in the land of ‘I don’t know what to do with my life’, population me. Let’s not talk about the bridge because it’d already burnt to the ground the moment I stepped off it.

So life has been this ball of restlessness recently. I bought a laptop, glasses and phone cover for a phone I don’t have yet. The stuff I ordered while I was still working just recently arrived in the mail and I am still so unbelievably bored.

And it’s the weirdest feeling because it’s the kind of boring where I’m stressed out of my mind but I can’t bring myself to show it outwardly because my life right now is kinda ‘Meh’ and it would look like I’m stressing out over nothing. I feel like my heart hasn’t beat in decades since Ren/Michael/Sydney boy and My God it aches to. In fact, it’s gotten so desperate that this boy (who I happen to find kinda cute) asked me if I wanted a kiss over text and I was so sick and tired of my monotonous life that I said ‘Yes’ and somehow we launched into this conversation on how to grind girls at a club for two hours. I’m not sure if he took me seriously and I’m pretty glad we aren’t talking anymore again (it’s an on-off friends kind of thing).

Not to mention, all my friends are getting attached one after another. Not that I’m jealous or anything, I’m just feeling a little left out. I mean, my sisters are married, my niece occupies most of my roomie’s time and my closest friends are all attached. GEE THANKS GUYS. 

So what does that leave me with?
Yaoi
Which come to think about it, isn’t too bad. Heh. But seriously, any sane person should have turned to porn, right? *cough*

Of course, I’ve had a lot of fun reading Whatpadd stories and playing Pokemon on my 3DS as well, but I still feel like something is missing.

Not in an extremely mushy and cliche way but something like

kinda makes be feel a little better. Yay fluffy. Not that I understand the rationale of how looking at a gif of a fluffy virtual animation makes me feel better (it’s actually kinda sad).

All in all, 2014 has been a painfully slow, dull and boring year for me. Roomie calls it my recuperation year since so much shit happened to me the year before so I guess I’ll just count my blessings.

Wishing for a more eventful year to come,
Cherie

Life-everafter

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School is out for me (I hope) and I’ve been having a wonderful time…

Looking for a job.

Well, I didn’t exactly have to look for it since I kinda had it waiting for me a few weeks before I sat for my main exams.

I got the call to interview right after my last paper as well, which kind of left me in mild shock while I was talking to the HR lady.

Either way, my way of celebrating my last paper was to head straight home because Mia still had another paper a few days later and it just didn’t feel right to celebrate then.

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In the meantime while I was stressing out over the interview, I met up with Azfar and because we have literally nothing else better to do out in town (except buy comic books), we crashed at my place and played really retarded miniclip games like this rock climbing one:

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He enlisted into National Service two weeks later so there went one of my best buddies ):
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When the day of the interview finally arrived, I was so touched to have at least 5 people wish me good luck. Of the five, two woke up earlier than me (LOL) to leave me a message.

I turned up half an hour early to Marina Bay Financial Center and decided to sit down for coffee at Cedele. Then had this promotion of 1for1 pastries that came with a free coffee. I don’t know what was going on then, but yay to $3.50 teabreaks!

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After trying my hardest not to cuss my mouth off at the receptionist that was pulling a long face at me for some reason, I was ushered into the waiting area that had this really rad view. I thought all was going well until…

I was sat down to be interviewed by three ladies in suits.
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Like woaaaah there, I did not just walk into a court hearing, right?

Talk about getting judged, they were pulling all these fake tight-lipped smiles at me and starring me down as if I were dirt. I mean, sure, I haven’t even graduated yet but the least you could do is not appear to be a bunch of complete cunts.

That aside, I managed to get through the interview without running out the door in tears and with my tail between my legs and ranted to my friends about how horrible it had been. It actually came to a point where I wished they wouldn’t call me up again because they made me feel shit-stain scared of my job scope.

Then my friend told me that some or maybe all interviews went that way and that it was a test of confidence when it came to meeting people who weren’t so friendly. That made me relax a little, though I was still nervous about my job scope. Shh! Don’t tell em!

I was in a better mood when I got home, mainly because the interview that I was stressing over for forever (like a week) was over and I could finally get on to stressing over my cosplays for STGCC.

But first, lemme take a selfie.

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It was also the day my niece, Reina, was allowed to have an entire Vitegen bottle to herself.

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I’m not sure about you guys, but when I was a kid, my mom used to scare me into not drinking it because she said it was filled with ‘adult vitamins’.

I am now turning 20 and the only ‘adult vitamins’ I know of is viagra and horny goat weed so guess who’s life has been a lie.

Also, here’s a very act-cute picture of a Pikachu impression.

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The next day, I followed my dad to a dinner gathering he has with his friends annually. We like to joke that he only brings us (sisters and now brother-in-law) so that he could show us off while the only reason we follow over is because the food is good and there’s free (and good) liquor.

Come to think of it, it sort of is.
Umm
With pretty little to do, my sister and I decided to relive our childhood a little by sitting on kiddy rides and taking pictures.

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Not to worry though, the rides weren’t moving. It (the rides) was placed right next to a really crowded coffee shop filled with my dad’s friends so I don’t think he would have appreciated our crazy antics.

Then came one of the best dishes of the night, the Kong Ba Pau.
It’s basically stewed belly pork wedged between a soft and steaming fluffy bun.

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Yum.

I ate more of the buns (without the meat fillings), though. You have no idea how good they are by themselves.

In the midst of waiting for my results and boredom, I decided that it was about time I got a haircut.

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I guess I’ll have to start remembering which months I get my hair cut. Normally, I rely on the school term to cut my hair, which is once every 4 months or so, after my term tests, mains or when I’m getting ready to start the new semester.

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^ Rawr. That’s how over grown my hair was.

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My hairstylist helped with cutting off an inch of coloured hair while giving my hair a few more layers. Even my fringe got a few layers!

I went home to find my Freddy Krueger glove in the mail and was so excited but it was a total letdown because the glove was too big for my hand and basically didn’t align well with anything.

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It does, however, scare the crap out of my niece and she runs away everytime my dad puts it on.

I’m keeping the glove around as a prop right now, in case Reina needs to be scared into submission or something.

And finally, a picture of what really goes on in the house:

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I had expected my life to become less complicated now that I’m done with school but boy, was I wrong. If anything, I’ve learnt that I’d actually had a shit school life and my life is about to get worst. I just hope that I have things to look forward to while I’m suffering.

Yours Truly,
Off the stupid list and into the FIYAH