IMAHORRIBLEPERSON #1

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I spoke to break them up.
Somewhere along the way, I decided that what I believed in and forsaw was the only conclusion and I manipulated her into aggravating the situation. I nearly succeed.

I knew exactly what she was getting herself into. But I wanted to break her. I wanted her to finally fail. I was sick of her getting everything she wanted. Her pets, a perfect husband and endless support from our father. I let her go.
But I wanted to watch her crash and burn. And I wanted to be the one who caused it.

I wanted to take the good she didn’t see if front of her before she noticed. I wanted her to regret. To feel extreme loss; again and over. She didn’t deserve to be happy. She was just lucky. She always was and it wasn’t fair.

I thought everything through. I read everyone involved perfectly. I was ready to twist our mother against her, I could have. I would have but I didn’t.

I didn’t because I hesitated. After months and months of making notes in my head of what to say and who to accidentally bump into, I didn’t do it.

I didn’t do it because I decided that her staying this way would hurt her more. To have her fight hard enough and not end up with what she wanted just like the rest of us. I let them stay together. Because it was my way of trapping her. Her personal hell defined by a signed contract and circumstances. I wanted her to face her own consequences.

I wanted her to hurt more.

So I built her up again and sometimes it saddens me that she’s so happy again, with child and husband. Showered with support in everything she does.

I should feel happy for her but I’m so bitter. Because in the end I am the one who gave her this life again. Everytime she asked me to fix things I somehow did. ‘I’ll figure something out, right?’

I was supposed to sabotage her.
I was supposed to tear her down.

But I didn’t and I should be happy but I’m not. All the effort wasted. I go home and see her as one of my social-engineering  failures all because I hesitated. A could have; an almost.

It pains me, I never got what she got when was down. Instead I am told to shut up and to stop crying. When I am torn and vacant I am demanded to smile and be happy for my father.

I knocked her down and instead of suffering I saw how much tighter the collar around my neck was.

No matter how hard I try, I am always losing while she is just lucky.

Sister, sister you are ever so lucky.

And I can’t help hating you for it.

2014 Round Up

Life’s been cruel to me.

Not so much like 2012, where I was constantly sorting out family problems and mixed signals, or 2013 where I finally got my feelings sorted out and proceeded to lose everyone I ever cared about besides whoever I actually cared about in my family.

Wow. Would you look at that? Two years of my life summarized into one sentence.

But I don’t mean for this post to be dark or depressing. That is for another day; another post. This post is going to be just me, figuring out what the hell I’ve been up to this entire year. Let’s start things off with what I still remember.

#1 School
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Sad to say, the only few things I remember about school was constantly walking to and fro the concourse to buy ‘lok lok’ from the canteen. I didn’t even buy an assortment of them, I only ate the tofu cubes and choked on the soup later on.

And of course, how could I forget the countless coffees I had to pull me through 8am lessons, especially since my last semester just had to be the semester they removed the 15minutes grace rule and I wasn’t one to sleep early the night before. Ever.

2014 was the year I’d hated majority of my classmates. I only found out too late that people would still stab you in the back even when you were no where near the top tier of the class.
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Such passive aggressiveness has nearly cost me my time in my modules. I got a D. So I made sure they had one up their asses when they went through with their presentations as well. Ah. Closure.

#2 Work
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Or at least that’s how I thought it hit me.

I got a job literally as soon as I was done with school, in a sense that I was called down for an interview the minute I stepped out my last examination hall. I thought it was fate. Turns out the company just really needed people.

Let me tell you what it felt like. I felt like a fish flopping from a horrible drainage  piping into hot. fucking. oil. Oh yeah. Watch me sizzle. And sizzle I did.
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It wasn’t bad enough that I felt entirely out of place working in a bank. The training was bad enough, not that my colleagues were bad. Hell, if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t have gotten that far. Throughout my then 19 years of existence, I had never once pre-read to study for a test in my life. Not that I’m gifted (actually quite the opposite) but because I never had to. If I passed, that’s good. If I failed then… ‘Oh’.

But somehow it came to a point where failing and slight tardiness meant termination and the stress at that point was overwhelming. Not that I couldn’t take the pressure, no way, I liked to do things but I loved doing things well and I had many, many days I thought I was going to fall below my own expectations.
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Things didn’t start looking up when I started my actual job, so I quit.

I quit when I was still ahead (no major screw ups) and I quit when I still had what’s left of my sanity. God knows I was losing it in there.

#3 The Now
So here I am, doing absolutely nothing, which also explains why this blog has been a tad bit dead for a while.

Alright, alright, to be honest, I’ve been going out alot. Mainly because I owed everyone dates since I had no time for anyone or myself while I was working.
That’s right, at one point of my life, I had been an unintentional and unwilling workaholic.

So here everyone is, asking me what I’m going to do next. Whether I’m going to study a degree and of course the dreaded ‘Why not?’ before they launch into an entire lecture about not being able to survive in Singapore without getting at least a degree. To be honest, I don’t think anyone would be able to survive in Singapore especially since things are only to get more expensive in the future. Heck, you’d have more problems trying to pay off your study loan let alone a car, wedding or house. I’d rather start now.

Back to the topic of being painfully under-educated in Singapore, my answer would be
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I’ve always told myself that ‘I’ll cross that bridge when I get there’ and now it has come a time whereby I have somehow already crossed said bridge without even noticing it and am currently in this predicament of ‘Where the hell am I’ right next to this lake called ‘What the fuck to do I do next’ stranded in the land of ‘I don’t know what to do with my life’, population me. Let’s not talk about the bridge because it’d already burnt to the ground the moment I stepped off it.

So life has been this ball of restlessness recently. I bought a laptop, glasses and phone cover for a phone I don’t have yet. The stuff I ordered while I was still working just recently arrived in the mail and I am still so unbelievably bored.

And it’s the weirdest feeling because it’s the kind of boring where I’m stressed out of my mind but I can’t bring myself to show it outwardly because my life right now is kinda ‘Meh’ and it would look like I’m stressing out over nothing. I feel like my heart hasn’t beat in decades since Ren/Michael/Sydney boy and My God it aches to. In fact, it’s gotten so desperate that this boy (who I happen to find kinda cute) asked me if I wanted a kiss over text and I was so sick and tired of my monotonous life that I said ‘Yes’ and somehow we launched into this conversation on how to grind girls at a club for two hours. I’m not sure if he took me seriously and I’m pretty glad we aren’t talking anymore again (it’s an on-off friends kind of thing).

Not to mention, all my friends are getting attached one after another. Not that I’m jealous or anything, I’m just feeling a little left out. I mean, my sisters are married, my niece occupies most of my roomie’s time and my closest friends are all attached. GEE THANKS GUYS. 

So what does that leave me with?
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Which come to think about it, isn’t too bad. Heh. But seriously, any sane person should have turned to porn, right? *cough*

Of course, I’ve had a lot of fun reading Whatpadd stories and playing Pokemon on my 3DS as well, but I still feel like something is missing.

Not in an extremely mushy and cliche way but something like

kinda makes be feel a little better. Yay fluffy. Not that I understand the rationale of how looking at a gif of a fluffy virtual animation makes me feel better (it’s actually kinda sad).

All in all, 2014 has been a painfully slow, dull and boring year for me. Roomie calls it my recuperation year since so much shit happened to me the year before so I guess I’ll just count my blessings.

Wishing for a more eventful year to come,
Cherie

My Life is Over

This post is exactly as the title states. My life is most definitely over, not that I managed to live a good one anyway.

By life I do mean playing all day and skipping all lectures, doing things I can only do while I’m in school such as not sleeping, doing homework and gaming all day. Now, I barely have any of the above and am scarcely clinging onto my gaming life.

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With all that said, I have somehow completed the first part of job training with the above folks. I’m not sure how I did it but I’m here now, a rather good example of time waits for no one and will run you over if you decide to idle away, especially if you decide to get in its way (such as get a time constraint job).

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I’m so blessed to always run into awesome people in my life, people who expose me to new cultures and lifestyles; people who convince me that there are so many ways to live life and that no matter where and who you are, you can end up anywhere.

And as much as I hated all the theory and exam based training, I’m so damn glad I made it through without quitting half way all thanks to these lovely people who were always patient with me.

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Turns out that failing one General Insurance paper and still pressing on has been worth it after all because after training, I’ll be posted to night banking, which means I get to wake up late. Not to mention my location is really near to my house.

That is, of course, till I get transfered to a branch a little further sometime next year but I’ll enjoy what I have now!

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Within the month I got ‘shipped’ or paired with someone in office so this was a mandatory picture. I guess.

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Best part is that on my actual first day at work, manager let us off super early and we went off on our merry way for a really long lunch before officially dispersing into our respective branches the next week.

Branch attachment is this month! I hope I make it out alive and learn lots!!!

Cheers to no more life!
Cherie

The Last Lap

Waddap, guys.

I have finally made it.

Well, sort of.

I just entered my last semester of school and my main exams are only 13 working (actual schooling) weeks away! I like the thought that I can roughly count down to how many weeks I have left in school but the more I blabber about it to others, the more it sounds like a jail sentence. If so, I’d better behave. Parole?

That being said, I regret to inform that I am in no mood for school at all. I haven’t bought my books and I still sit at the back of my class. Last I checked, two out of the three modules I’m taking requires group work on a 50% marking grid and I’m as sociable as a brick.

I feel like I graduated together with my other friends, who right now are like:

I apologize for following suit.

You see, I don’t feel like I’ve been in school for over a year. No, it’s not because of my depression, but because I’d spent a year not learning anything.

This is different from when my guardian taught me how to trim my own nails recently.
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Don’t take me to be a spoiled brat, please. There are just something I don’t particularly care about to a point that people have to sit me down and do it for me. Or in this case, teach Cherie how to cut her nails and she would never have to waste tens of hundreds of dollars sitting in a nail salon.

Back to the point of not learning anything in the past 12 months or so, I really haven’t. The last 6 months, I’d spent my time re-taking modules for all that I’d failed two semesters ago and the 6 months before that, I was slaving away (well, not really) at my interning office. Yeap, no learning whatsoever, though I may have come across a few new porn genres… Alright, I kid.

But seriously, can you imagine how unpracticed I am with the whole notion of learning? I get to class and suddenly I’m thrown into this whirlwind of bizarre terminologies and monotonous lectures. I can’t skip lectures anymore in fear that I’d miss something (though I don’t exactly catch anything while I’m there) and I have to double check my classrooms because I am (still) so terrible with faces, it’s been two weeks and I still can’t remember a single classmate’s face. I won’t even start on how easily my classmates register information, making class skip ahead faster than I’d prefer and… and…

But I can’t give up now, can I? I only have 13 more weeks to go.

But that also means I only have 13 more weeks till my main exams.

13 more weeks to master 3 modules I am totally new to.

13 more weeks till I find out if I get to graduate or go into 4.2.

13 more weeks till I have to either graduate, get a job or not graduate and be buried alive by my dad.


I am not prepared at all.

I guess for a start I’ll buy my books and get started with my assignments.

It doesn’t help that I’m posting this at three in the morning. But hey, at least I said I’ll try. Don’t you give people brownie points if they try? Or maybe just a brownie. I’d settle for that right now.

More bad news, I heard there is going to be tedious calculation questions in all my modules this semester. I am very intimidated and dreadful, of course. But I must not forget that I am an engineer in training and that math can rule the world.

I’d better end here. It occurs to me that the earlier it get in the morning, the weirder things seem to get.

Ta-

x

Monster

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My heart is black as it beats faintly in its cage
While my blood runs like sludge and
Bubbles like toxic in my veins.

My dreams bare color no more
While my eyes, a broken window that frames a barren wasteland.
My hands they shake as they pop pills and reach for water.

Lips chapped and bleeding,
Has spoken so little words,
They might as well have sewn themselves shut.

My ears hear nothing but
The whispers in my head.
While the world mutes itself towards me.

My mind broken and fractured,
Healing all wrong
Or not at all.

I’m a monster I know,
But won’t you love me?